Afternoon Check-in

I thought I'd check in again one more time today. It's therapeutic writing these little points, and I'd like to fit in a few before I leave for the sweat lodge in 20 minutes.

1. For the record, Penelope broke up with me. There was no drama from either of us. I just got a bit emotional in a sad way. I don't feel dumped.

2. I want to make another note about NoVideo. Small point. I want to record that, although it was not enough to save our relationship, it did help a little bit. Things felt a little bit freer, like they were very incrementally moving in the right direction. So there was not no effect. It was just too slow for the circumstances.

3. I have felt waves of sadness throughout the day. They come and go, and they seem to be stronger when I'm alone at home.

4. I had a good time out today, visiting what will be my new campus for at least the next 4 months. It felt good to get my student ID, take a tour of the campus, peek into the computer labs, wander around the abysmally few library stacks (in a huge building), feel like I'm doing something. I'm taking one class, and, while I was there, I decided I might as well take an online course on top of that. I think I can pull it off, and it guarantees I'll be keeping myself busy and out in the world very soon.

5. Watching the glow of sunrise flowing onto the goose-and-sandhill-crane-strewn sandbars in the Rio Grande and radiating through the mist that rises from the acequias, is perhaps the most beautiful thing ever.

6. I may or may not go see a band tomorrow night that Penelope is also planning on seeing. We had been planning on going together. It's a really good one - HuDost. I'll need to see how I feel tomorrow.

7. I mentioned this in several instances in the last post, but I want to condense it into one point: when I break up with someone, all the nostalgic moments of our lives that were once light and attractive and delicious to think about are now incredibly heavy and painful. Going to the sweat lodge is going to be hard, because I associate it with the energy and joy from our first date. I hope I can claim it for myself.

8. There's something I'm sad about that is new for me: I'm sad that I won't see her son again. I only saw him sporadically, but I really got to care for him, and he liked hanging around with me. I guess I kind of knew that break-ups are hard for kids, but I never really thought about it. So I feel really, really bad for him. But, on top of that, I feel like I'll miss him myself - I wasn't expecting this at all. It makes this that much harder.

9. I feel really grateful for my grief right now. I'm much more conscious today than I usually am. I wish, I wish I could be this conscious all the time. I wish I could be this conscious about what gives me joy and pleasure. I think that would solve a lot of my relationship problems - most of my emotional issues.

Time to go.

Be well, all.