Slalom

I've never been much of a skier. The one time I skied as an adult, I really liked it. I felt out of my element; I'm never very comfortable with fast, slippery type conveyances (cf. any kind of skating).

But I got over this discomfort and enjoy it. Being motivated to go out and do it is another thing altogether.

I mention this, because, tonight, for some reason, I would feel really comfortable skiing. I feel really comfortable with myself right now. I feel an easy, pleasant fit with the evening, with what I have done, with what I will do in the morning. Strange, considering how overwhelmed and unhappy I felt in the morning. I slept in a good hour and dashed a few sections of my morning routine. I did a tiny bit of Python work, but I was mostly distracted. And not just distracted - agonizing over it. Asking myself over and over again: what am I afraid of? Why am I avoiding doing these things which I enjoy, and these things that maybe I do not enjoy but know are necessary? What am I after? What will it take to change? Do I need to change? ... And not getting anywhere.

After focusing enough to do a few chores at home, I went shopping. I felt no need to stick to my diet, and I bought cheese, bread and a lavender cupcake - the last one I ate straightaway.

When I got home, I was still distracted and continued to waste time. I ended up taking a decent nap. Upon waking I was still looking for that mental fix. Then something happened. I simply stopped whatever I was doing (Social Networking or whathaveyou) and began working on my Python project. There was no flourish, no concerted gathering of willpower. I just did. It was perfectly normal; nothing special about it. What's strange about it is: I don't remember deciding to do so. I just did. And I was absorbed with this - perfectly and productively - for a good two hours. I had to get myself to stop. Though having to force myself to stop is nothing out of the ordinary when I'm coding.

I then went outside for a good run. When I came back, I was hungry. I had 1.5 peanut butter sandwiches and a cheese and lettuce sandwich right away. While eating, I read articles on the internet, but I was certainly not sucked in. I then took a shower and went to class.

Here, again, I felt freer: no anxiety, no worry, no impatience. I was just happy to be there, listening to the instructor, taking notes and doing the work. I finished my homework assignment during the work period, and it felt lighter, for some reason. No push to get it perfect.

I am home now; I have spent a little time drawing (something new to the mix that I'm trying out), a little time surfing, a tiny bit of time reviewing CSS, and now I'm writing this, and it all seems to fit together for once.

Is this an imbalanced upswing? Is this a very fast fruit of deciding, yesterday, to not be controlled by fear? If so, I don't feel like I've done all the work necessary, so I am a tiny bit suspect. On the other hand, I feel ready to roll with whatever comes up tomorrow, whether I sleep in, abandon all work and responsibility, have a panic attack - whatever.

Another factor might be my final acclimation to a "crisis" of financial insecurity - perhaps that little bit of fear is diminishing its control over me. Of course, I still have lots of work to do there, but, as I was thinking yesterday, if I let fear make my decisions, I risk setting myself up for failure. Better to be in today's more grounded place.

With that, I ease back into bed. It feels a little early, but then again, I'll be waking up dark and early. Feeling good in the morning is a miracle I can't even fathom becoming a regular reality for me, but if I feel in the morning as I do right now, I might start the day with a nice cold shower, zazen and then immediately to a hearty breakfast. It wouldn't be a bad start.

Dream well, all.