Purpureus

Dear Purpurea,

I admit I've been feeling a little guilty, Purpurea: just a little. I feel that I've been too greedy with the flesh-and-blood you; too covetous, too obsessive. Too monstrously in love and blazing like the sun about something that is best reserved for situations where I am engaged with someone, flesh-and-blood. In other words, fantasizing. And what does that do to a real woman, when a man is off fantasizing and projecting and painting an entire iconography on someone who gave no consent to do so; could not; would never.

Well, this guilt is me being very cautious, for I can be very obsessive. My behavior is always ethical to others (no stalking or even building shrines or anything like that); it is however destructive to myself. This is not good, so I am circumspect. Is this a fantasy, is this me avoiding reality in some way?

Let me reflect.

1. I am becoming less and less interested in the person I originally named Purpurea, for the sake of separating the real person from the symbol. That plan is working.

2. Along those lines, I am feeling Purpurea in other people and even in aspects of my own life. This is a beautiful development.

3. I like to think I'm a little older and wiser by now. I am certainly more in my body that I have been and, consequently, I am processing feelings much more thoroughly. It feels more real and safer than in the past. This certainly does not feel like a symptom of depression; rather, it is the opposite: it is quite uplifting and bringing me closer to other people, bringing me out in the world.

4. While writing to you, Purpurea, is a way of me reconciling with my loneliness; it is just that: me reconciling with my loneliness. Not avoiding it.

5. I have become Purpureus to someone else. It's only natural, right? We were all in an open, permeable emotional state this weekend, and of course it was ripe for everyone to project and attach to one another. So, just as I brought all good things to lie on your table, someone brought all good things to lie on mine. In fact, I am quite impressed that she expressed all of this to my face. I feel I did not accept the expression gratefully - a mixture of embarrassment and confusion kept a lot back.

In short, I in no way feel violated or that too much of a burden was placed on me. Rather, I feel like I could not possibly give back enough for this honor.

I am an adult, and I know what boundaries are. I can let go of the worry.

And so, Purpurea, let's continue on our way. I want to keep the fire alive. It is so much for me to burn for you...

Eternally yours,
Peliens