Exquisite

More luscious, friend-filled dreams this morning. Whatever is going on, I'm not missing my early mornings, nor looking at it as a failure on my part.

Today was a great day. I must admit that my no video plans are out the window at the moment; but, just as with the whole waking up long before dawn thing, it seems to be filling a need, so I'm content.

I'm getting a lot done, even if my list of goals continues to be far beyond what I am capable of doing in the course of a day. It doesn't bother me as much anymore. That is life: all ends are loose. You just keep going.

I have been playing a lot more music these days. I've narrowed in on one piece to focus on until I get it to a point of perfection: the song "Climbing the Walls" by They Might Be Giants. I came up with a simple, simple accordion accompaniment. I'd like to make a video and post it to a youtube channel once it's performance ready. From there, I'll move on to another piece, with the goal once again to make a youtube video. And so on. I have already promised a video to my facebook friends, but it's too difficult for the moment. It will maybe be the next one.

I've been keeping an eye on my feelings of guilt. After about a week of feeling overloaded with burdens and failures to other people, the storm is dissipating, and I am beginning to see quite clearly how much of it all is fantasy. What I mean is, when I worry that someone else is disapproving, it is simply me being hard on myself using my imagination. Sometimes people actually disapprove, and I can simply change my behavior (or not) and get over with. Logically, it's not worth ruminating about, but it fills some need on some level, otherwise I wouldn't do it.

Is it a need for disapproval? Or, as I was writing earlier, is it a redounding effect of my own anger? Say I feel disappointed in somebody about something. I don't express my anger. Does it then come back to me as a fear of disapproval? Is that, in turn, based on a fear that this anger will be discovered?

I can't pinpoint exactly, but I get the sense that the truth lies somewhere in that area, and that I would go around feeling less guilty if I handled my own anger better. Which means expressing it much, much more. So hard to do, if you're not already in the habit.

I'll try right now:
Fuck you, anyone who reads this but hasn't subscribed! GRRR. I'm angry at you.

Ah, it's not the same on the internet. But it's something, for now. There is a voice saying ("Wait, no, I'm not really angry!") inside of me.

Let's just leave it at that observation.

Dream well, all.