Something, at least, is converging

Setting aside the idea of synchronistic convergence of an abstract theme on objects outside of me, this symbol that is important to me begins to take shape where it's important: inside.

The gauge is swinging wildly in both directions - I am feeling periods of far greater focus than has been normal lately; balanced by periods of far less focus than is normal. Or perhaps "less focus" is a red herring. Maybe what's important is that these periods are marked with anger and fear - positive things that need understanding and taming - not a lack of some kind of substance that I need.

I had a good morning; did a little work on the property, but this was cut short due to Victoria needing time for herself. I decided to focus on finances: I had hoped to do my taxes and finish an errand at the bank. To make a long story short, the errand caused me to drive to a branch where the required expert was not present. I felt extremely frustrated when I got home, melted my brain electronically and went to sleep. When I got a phone call I was waiting for, I angrily rejected it and distracted myself more, listening to the message two hours later. Suddenly in "work mode," I began working on my taxes - hoping to finish them but then, sadly, after almost two more hours, realizing that I'd have to finish on Monday. Also frustrating.

But now it was time to go running. No time to mope. I did 42 minutes along the Rio Grande, by the botanical gardens. On the way home, I realized how absurd it is that I feel like I got "nothing" done today, when I could add up 6.5 hours of time very well spent. Does it have to be perfect? Well, I feel like I can do better, so I need to keep shooting for that. But all the despair and self-judgment is really tripping me up. I could at least balance it out with some acknowledgment of what I get done.

I came home to a shower, dinner and reading some eBooks I recently added to my kindle cloud reader. Did the dishes, made some tea, did 30 minutes of Python (which consisted almost entirely of historical research), now I am here, ready for Asimov and bed. I will wake up early, as I have for months, and take an ice-cold shower, like I have for the past 3 days and hope to continue.

I'll be in Santa Fe for the next few days, for what was originally supposed to be an afternoon meeting but has turned into a whirlwind visit with all of my friends, all at once. It'll be interesting.

Relationships are becoming important to me in a more conscious way than before. I am really eager bring myself out more when I'm with people.

I already have committed on Facebook to hugging people more. I am terrified to death of initiating hugs; I want to get over this. Shit, it will take a lot of work. I'm going to remember this when I take my cold shower tomorrow morning: if I can bathe in freezing water, naked at 4:45 in the morning, of course I can hug people. Somehow, this connection makes sense to me.

I am left, at the end of the day, with the thought that I want to be a producer, an initiator. This thought floats around like all the other goals and fantasies, but now it seems far more urgent. This will become part of my focus in the weeks and months to come. Where I spend time giving out more than taking in. Again, a big change that will take a lot of work. I would be turning myself entirely around.

But now, rest.

Dream well, all.