More on Fear

My internets are down again tonight; probably will be posting this in the morning.

New thoughts and experiences on the career horizon. I sat in for another interivew at the place I interviewed yesterday. It was pretty mundane; actually much less interesting than the interview yesterday, but it was with a higher up. I thought it would be with the boss herself, but apparently no. Nothing bad or stressful or really remarkable about it - beyond the fact that I was noticeably less animated, not wanting to make as much of an impression as yesterday. I would call this subconscious withdrawal of my energy due to my underlying ambivalence about the position, but it is much more conscious than that.

There is still a little more to think about. Or - shall I say - there is only a little bit about the larger moral issue that I possibly can think about in the next day or so before I have to make a decision.

I like how all of this brings my understanding of stress, addiction, obsession and distraction into focus. I distract myself when I am avoiding something that causes me stress. There is very little doubt about that now. I want to set down clearly that a large part - if not most - of these stressful things I want to avoid have to do with talking to people. Once I do it, I'm fine. But beforehand, it requires much gathering of willpower.

And I think I know why - I never feel like I will know what to say. It's not so much fear of the other person as it is fear of me losing myself in front of the other person, not knowing what to do, panicking. I am anxious about the fear I feel; what can happen to me externally is nothing. This is Rollo May's definition of anxiety, by the way: the fear of fear. Perhaps I'm finally getting what he wrote? That happiness is not the elimination of the things that we fear but a peace with the fear itself?

That sounds about right. I should photoshop that phrase over a photo of Harry Houdini or somebody like that, attribute it to him and post it on Facebook.

As a final note, I am still thinking about what it might mean to be a producer. Maybe I need a better phrase, but that's what sticking in my mind. I haven't "gotten there" yet. Though I am priming for it; inching closer; pacing around the idea and waiting for the right moment to pounce. The prey will come into my circle soon enough...

Dream well, all.