Retractor

After bursts of emotion, I pull myself back in a little bit today. Feeling a little too vulnerable, too insistent upon leaning on others for working through my feelings.

Once again, I am left wishing I had more to give than to take. I have a lot to take, still.

I have some more work to do with my cold showers. I realize that, due to my confusion about how my faucet operates, the tiniest bit of hot water was getting in - I'll need to try it on full arctic blast tomorrow morning.

I had a lot of nervous energy today: after an excellent job interview, I could do nothing beyond playing the accordion. I tried making a video of myself playing pirate music, but it proved too difficult for the moment, so I'll leave that for another time. But I'd like to finish soon.

School continues to be satisfying - but I am still confused as hell as to how exactly all these assignments need to be turned in. Code scripts are empty tableaux that offer an infinite variety of solutions to problems, yet I always feel that maximum points are contingent upon finding the "right" path through it. Not so good for the artistic sentiment. This is why it is helpful to have very clear instructions that inform the student exactly what needs to be in the program and also considers what the student need not bother including. This latter is lacking; and I also need to calm the fuck down and just do my best.

I am contemplating taking a second class online; more on this as it progresses. In fact, I may already have fully committed to it. And it might be way over my head. Oh well.

The nervousness today was punctuation by periods of heavy exhaustion. I am learning to simply work through them: the fact that I feel sleepy is no excuse to waste time. If I am tired, the best thing is for me to lie down and nap. No harm in that. I can't keep slipping into not-working-not-resting limbo. But this is the problem of my generation...

And I must remember that the third option, between working and resting, is playing. Inserting more moments of play - such as with the squeezebox today - is another thing to remember.

And so I leave for the night. No big revelations tonight, just a soft settling down in what has been laid out the past few days.

Dream well, all.