Certain Success

I did a good job of feeling stress this afternoon. I feel terminally behind in my C++ studies, and I have not quite caught up with Python - I am considerably behind.

We had a test in C++ today - I think I did okay, but I don't let myself rest on that. Always wondering "Did I miss something? Is that really the right answer?" I need to do better in self-confidence.

I am slowly catching up with what I believe to be a good place with my homework; granted that my standard is probably too high, I can manage this just fine if I continue at my current pace. I know for a fact now that it's not a bad pace - the only reason I was rushing was because I wasn't sure how much I needed to study for the test - but it's over, I did very well if not perfect, and I can move on.

I am feeling stress about a job interview tomorrow; I feel stress about getting my tax refund. There are more. There is plenty. I don't want to dwell on everything.

I need to remember that there is no end - there is no proper finish to the stress-reel. It goes on forever, and I can choose to listen to it or I can turn it off. But there is no feedback in the loop itself that will turn itself off, no final crashing chord or denouement. If I let it, it will master me.

I want to wake up in the morning and find my life open like the ocean viewed from the shore. Powerful and full of forces and tides that can pull me in any direction, yet separate and restful in its own space. I want to have one boat - that is my work, my activity - that I take out into the sea and use to return to land.

As I write this, I don't know how to implement the fundamental idea, the kind of restful work that takes me out and brings me back. I can only imagine a gray sky, the sound of waves, the smell of salt and sand. In fact, I am also hearing Sting's song - Island of Souls - play in my head. I don't care about the song so much as the feeling of sadness and treading on immeasurable depth I feel when listening to it (though it is a good song on a brilliant, overlooked album). I am filled with that feeling. Not that all I want is sadness, but sadness is a feeling I use more than others to fish out my feeling-self.

That is what I want to be important in my day. Not the insect-like push to Get Things Done accompanied by the anxiety that I Am Not Getting Everything Done.

Dream well, all.