Sines

So yesterday worked. It was terribly peaceful. I noticed how I am always wanting to check my e-mail, check for messages. Not that I am not aware of this tendency normally, but it stood out. Observing myself get flustered when I knew I couldn't check my e-mail made me laugh. It's really quite silly.

But here I am, doing it again. I don't know what to think of that. I am not truly going to give e-mail (or any other of these things) up, but I'd like to do better. I think that simply means more of these observations.

Actually, today sucked. I did get some solid work done, but it was scattered and filled with distractions.

One particular theme I observed: loneliness and the need to avoid it.

I have actually been doing quite well at keeping myself connected with people, granted my lack of employment and scarcity of close friends in Albuquerque.

I think what I need to remember is to be comfortable with the loneliness itself, which I grow tired of. I begin to feel frustrated and restless, like an animal disconnected from the herd. Ultimately, I am not alone. My head is filled with misconceptions and prejudices about the nature of my life, who I am, how I relate to others. There are some deep-seated things that I - along with everyone else - need to work on. But a lot of it is more superficial. I tend to feel a lot of guilt, and, rather than looking at this as a systematic problem,  it's been helpful for me to look at it as a reverberation of my own anger, my own reliance on others and subsequent disappointment. There is not a single situation where I feel unusually guilty where I did not tend to look at myself as powerless first. If I can remind myself of this, all the better.

Aside from all these little life technologies, I really do wonder where it's all going, what I am going to do with myself.

Of course, that is what I must decide. But taking up the reins of that decision... it's something monumental - for everyone. That's all I can say.

Dream well, all.