Even the music has to go, sometimes...

Soaking in a little silence. Of course the music has to go. Music over the waves, out the speakers, is not the same music we listen to when it's performed live. We don't need electronic music all the time. It's a luxury and an addiction just like everything else. Live music is magic. (This is also another reason why copyright laws are missing the point.)

It was a good day, in that all my days are pretty good - but it was low and full of some bleak periods. As long as my bleak periods are contained within a single day, surrounded by and commented on by bright periods - it's a good chapter in my life.

The bleakness pertains to feeling behind in all my projects, still unsure about who I am and what I want to do. Par for the course.

Mundane lessons today. I thought a bit about prioritizing when planning what to do with my time. For a while, prioritizing has felt a little overwhelming - something I know I should do but have not done very well. I tend to just "go with" certain tasks without really thinking about how important they are. That's not entirely true: sometimes I intentionally do less important stuff, because the more important stuff is collecting anxiety. So, today, I asked myself: what do I really, truly 100% need to get done by the time I go to bed - for real? And I gave myself a pretty decent answer.

Yeah, so, a pretty boring lesson, but helpful.

My heart feels wide open - I am making lots of social connections - the party last night was wonderful, I got to see some old friends (quite unexpectedly in one case) and some new; I learned about everyone a little bit more. I still am aching on the inside from declining that job yesterday - I still don't know why I feel so awful about it. This might take some journaling / depth work. My guess, right off the bat, is that my interviewer and I developed a nice little rapport, and I feel like I really let her down. Would the feeling be pity, then? Guilt? Simple sadness at the loss of a connection?

Connections with people are not things we normally expect to lose so suddenly. They are pretty rocky, by default. It normally involves a death or a break-up of some kind. Certainly, this feels like a break up. Or to be more accurate: it feels like I went out on 2 dates with a girl, and I am a little bit intrigued, but I am mostly sure it's not going to work out.  I can tell she's really excited about me, and she calls me after the second date to tell me she's in love with me, so I'm forced to tell her I'm not interested in pursuing things further more harshly than I would have liked, so as to not lead her on. Why is that so hard?

Anyway, there is a bit more to work through here, with this feeling. I find it reaching me at odd moments, and I even make a little sound: "oof."

Of course, it feels good to feel. Vulnerability is always exquisite. I like how it shapes my actions.

Before I go: I forgot to mention that a few days ago I had a flying dream! It just kind of slipped in, unannounced. I can't remember having had a flying dream in over a decade. I think this bodes good things.

Dream well, all.