Day of Feeling 22

I did not follow that schedule. It is so damned hard to get out of bed when I want to - I always have to lie there. I do not want to face the day. This is not a rare problem - everyone deals with this. But why does something so normal feel so wrong? Why is something that feels so wrong so normal?

I want to say there is not much to report today. I have tons to do and no time. I will literally not have any time for dinner tomorrow, for example. I had better eat up in the afternoon, I guess. Friday will be nice.

I don't want to write about feelings, because I don't have too much to say.

I am of course always, always frustrated by the fact that my choices are so limited, in my love life. It annoys me that for some people dating is like a grocery store, where you just go to spend very knowable amounts of money to get what you want whenever you're hungry. And for me, for others, it seems like a casino where you spend and spend and spend so much and only get anything back once in a great while.

It irks me that I am a man who likes to sample, to taste, to investigate, to explore, and here in this part of my life I have no ability to walk, no legs; no choices.

Is this a control thing or a self esteem thing? Both.

It also kinds of bores me to write about this stuff, but I don't want to write about anything else.

I know I am making progress with this project; but tonight I feel like I am nowhere.

To progress is to focus. I feel I have no power over whether I can focus.

Powerlessness, clearly, is what leads to apathy. I think that is clear.

If I feel apathetic in my life, it is because I feel powerless in some way.

Yes, I am whining kind of pointlessly a lot in this post. But it illustrates that dynamic - I complain about something I feel powerless about. I don't feel apathetic about sex, but I think it does add to a kind of general feeling of apathy, of not being okay with myself, who I am, what my life is. Why bother doing things, if I can't be with the people I'm attracted to? That kind of thing.

Can I just flip a switch and suddenly be responsible for those things? Make changes? Become someone new? I'm inclined to say no, but then where does that leave me? With no solution. I just want to bitch about things. What would the solution be?

I sense the first step is to distinguish between things I want and things I need. Something about being desperate, in that state of need, diminishes my self. Needing makes me smaller.

If I can just want something, without that desire being corrupted by need, it not only increases the chances of me getting it, but it also puts me in a more neutral space where I can have it or not. See, if I can't not have it, then I need it, I don't desire it. Things you desire are things you choose, not things you desperately need. (Of course, to pay into some semantic issues, some might say that the "desire" is the desperate need, and the things you choose are wanted or intended or willed or something like that.)

Affection and love and sex are things that I do need. But I do not need the specific objects of these needs. That's another important distinction. I can need sex without needing to have sex with this person or that person. It's hard to get over the objects, but really it's possible to do so.

There is, of course, also the possibility that I am diving off my surf board, again and again and again. When will I remain standing?

Good night.