Day of Feeling 19

An odd day: not exceptionally good or exceptionally bad.

I got a fair amount done, doing a little cleaning in my room, some planning for Iceland. Finished the work with Sandra. I came up with a sort of plan for setting up a tax id, but I still feel a whole lot of anxiety about that - that I would be entering into something I know nothing about and would be ground up by a process I can't possibly control.

I really don't like that feeling - it's a feeling I've encountered a lot the past few years, I guess since the big change in feeling that occurred around July 2007. When I lost momentum, when I began to feel like my drive to grow diminished; when I began to feel afraid so often; paranoid about past mistakes catching up to me, or people holding grudges and seeking revenge.

This ill, dirty feeling inside my stomach; an empty, ashen pit where there should be a roaring fire.

Phrasing it that way, it points out how much of this is a notable lack of something good and necessary, rather than a notable presence of more frightening or dangerous things. It's easier to say: I'm not safe and need to get somewhere else safe, be with safer people. The safety is inside you, dude.

Why did I begin to feel less safe? It's hard to say, exactly. Working at the shelter, I was getting threatened and intimidated all the time. This is new to me. And I am very clearly afraid of my own aggression. So one simple way of looking at it is: I began to feel my own aggression, and I did not want to let it out.

This gets me thinking about my somewhat aggressive nature as a child, being in a little gang of bullies, lashing out at my sister, too. How did I resolve these things? I remember, too, when I was in 6th grade and briefly into shoplifting, and also sneaking into the Ritz Carlton's fitness club. How did I resolve that stuff? I remember writing about it on the Illucia BBS, back in 1995 or so. I think I wrote something like, "I have an iron will, because I did some bad things in the past, and I don't want to do them again." Did I really learn my lesson? Is there a little criminal in there still? Why did I not want to do them again? Was I acceptably, normally ashamed of my actions? Or did I just not want to risk getting caught again?

The sense that I am doing something criminal, something shameful, permeates all my issues dealing with love, the need to love and be loved. Some of my actions belie a sense that I am not worthy of love, nor worthy to love. As I have perhaps mentioned before, I have to note that this latter issue is very real and very powerful, yet it gets so little attention in popular discussions of feeling, psychology, etc. Loving is just as important as being loved; and so it can be something one feels unworthy of.

Why unworthy? Well, I think to answer that I need to know what it means to be worthy of love. What does that mean? Or is it just that, by default, in a normal life, you are not not worthy of love. Worth doesn't enter the issue. So is self-worth actually something positive, or just the absence of something negative getting in the way?

Why is showing affection such an issue for me? What would happen if I showed affection? Answer from the part of me that's frightened: "It would reveal my need, my rapaciousness, my lust, my dependence, and this would surely lead to rejection. A safer path would be to wait until you are 100% positive that the other person wants your love. Then it's ok."

I respond: But it doesn't work that way. I need to be actively showing my care, my affection, my interest; otherwise there will be no warmth; I look like a dead charcoal. So then no one is attracted or things to come to me for love. If I try to bridge that gap, it seems awkward, because I have set up a precedent of aloofness. It just makes things worse.

The part of me: But how can that be done safely, without overwhelming the other person?

I: Practice.

Part: But it's too late. You would have needed that practice a long time ago. Now it's all habits that are hard to change.

I: There is time yet, especially if I am 1. Motivated 2. Make a conscious effort to let go of these thoughts that it is not ok. In fact, I have made some strides already. Microscopic strides, but strides nonetheless.

Part: There is a build-up of neediness that needs to be addressed. You want affection from all people at all times. There is a real need there that would certainly be overwhelming to other people, were you to involve them in it.

I: Okay, then my needs must be addressed. It is workable. Everything is workable. I can do little things right now. But perhaps it would be good to work on that in the context of a relationship. Yes, the threshold has already been passed at that point, and so a lot of the issues vanish, but that, in turn, makes it easier to move around and do work. Why don't I let my next girlfriend know: I need affection, damn it. I didn't do that nearly enough with Alexa or Sarah, if I did that at all. It was all about them needing affection. Then it enters into the relationship unconsciously, wreaking a little bit of havoc.

I need affection, I need attention, I need sex. Things I don't normally identify with. Would be good to think more about how I need them. Then my needs will be less scary, won't they? I think taking this approach will deflate a lot of the display of affection problems I have.

But there is still the criminal nature thing...

That will have to wait.

Good night for now, all.