Day of Feeling 11 (Retroposted)

I am writing amidst the din of a wedding party - actually, it's a very good band that plays a lot of the hip hop music I like - R + B , I mean.

I am most likely a little bit drunk, as I have had 2 pints of beer, a glass of wine, a gin and tonic and a Manhattan.

Parties are always a little strange for me. I am a solitary guy, as they say.

I guess, technically, theoretically, I could go out and talk to more people, maybe dance. But I'm not. It feels awkward, because I'm not doing it for the sake of doing it, but doing it because I need something. I need to get laid, be ecstatic, etc. I could actually be ecstatic if I went out there and danced even by myself. But the getting laid part is more important, apparently. It drowns out other needs.

It's a need that often gets eclipsed in me - the need to find a woman. There is perhaps one woman here who is single and whom I am interested in. I could go and dance next to her, or wait until an opportunity to speak with her - but the very fact that I would do those things just for a chance to sleep with her - it feels off. I refuse. I won't act just to get laid.

And, well, I don't get laid. Never. Sex has never, ever been casual for me.

I am not extremely comfortable with that.

Of course, the whole self-respect thing - the FIREWALL - accounts for that. To the extent that they account for anything.

In a certain way - I was wholly me today - I did a reading that so many people loved. And if that does not attract people, then, well, so be it. There I am.

In another sense, the world, the dance floor, is just over there. I can go and be me and be ok. I can be ok, not being noticed; I can be ok not noticing, not acknowledging. Here I am. Here I am.

It's hard leaving this self-esteem thing. It's hard perceiving myself as unattractive, as unworthy of love. (That's the essential one.) If people want to walk by me, that's ok. If no one talks to me, that's ok. Of course, people do stop to see me, and talk to me. But it's ok if they don't.

Feeling-Space makes me feel fuller. Much, much fuller. It's so important. There is so much to Feeling-Space. My only hang up is that it could be deceptive - could be an instance of me relying on fantasy instead of reality - but it could be the union of reality and fantasy.

It does clear the slate - makes me feel good about the choices I make. It reminds me not to be follower/[unreadable] / wallflower. I can't be those things.

I am so harsh on the judgment of myself, it is crippling. Best to be free of that judgment.

What is judgment, and why does it weigh on me?

Time to cut out into the world a tiny bit again.

Good Night.