Not going to bed on time

And probably not doing evening zazen.

Hmm.. I don't have much by way of an explanation. I feel inert and unenergetic. Strange, because I had a productive day at work. I just need to lay on the wet blankets all evening, I guess, until I feel completely uninspired. What is with this tendency?

More resistance, more heel-dragging.

Am I going in a wrong direction? What am I missing?

This behavior could be damaging for new projects, new relationships.

Is it just a feeling of coldness on the inside. Yes. Cold versus warmth is a good metaphor. I feel cold on the inside, so I look for things to warm me up. A little emotional friction, a few emotional and dietary calories.

Why do I feel so chilled to the bone? What can a person do to feel the fire in his heart?

Imagination helps. Imagination is a key element, here, I think. Everything I do to waste time - videos and video game - are imagination substitutes.

Imagination and interaction with others. I think they can work together.

But if I am watching the fort alone, like I am tonight, and like many whole, fiery people before me have done night after night through history, I have my imagination to warm me.

Is this more hiding in fantasies? I don't think it has to be, if I come up with a good way to use it. There is very little difference, I feel between what we call imagination and what we call thinking. Thinking is just imagining concepts, ideas, words and sounds. This seems obvious, but somehow we make a distinction between the two. I am someone who thinks a lot; but I am also someone who imagines, daydreams a lot. Same thing.

When I worry, fret, get anxious, I am imagining things. When I spend endless hours planning things that never happen, I am imagining things.

To have a clean mind, then, is to have a clean imagination.

What kind of relationship can I develop?

I am a little inspired now to sit zazen. In 20 minutes, it will be midnight. I need to wake up at 7 tomorrow, earlier than normal, so I can have enough time to get out and have a day. I am behind on sleep. Shit. Why do this to myself? 20 minutes won't hurt.

Good night, everyone.