Okay, a couple real things.

So for this far too late post, I'm going to just write a few nuggets of important things. Re: conversation with Sarah yesterday.

This conversation was epic and should have been recorded for posterity. Any attempt to talk about it is going to have to be in nuggets. It was, according to Sarah, very scattered and circular. I agree. The girlfriends I've had would say that a lot. This makes me feel pretty lousy, very messy, like I screwed things up. I guess I normally try to clean up the messy, but really messy is just reality. I want to note there are very distinct reasons why sometimes conversations can get like that with me, feeling like they're not going anywhere. I think a lot of it has to do with what I mentioned yesterday: feeling so wrong. I take so many things so, so personally, I am left trying to both think about what to say and process emotions. If I slowed things down a bit, I feel the conversation would also feel more ordered.

What was said? The basic point is that Sarah noticed I was withdrawing from her company, and this distressed her. I was trying to formulate a complaint, but I really was never able to do it. I am left feeling today that there is no complaint. This is, again, as I mentioned yesterday, how I function. I am tremendously geared toward rethinking things. If there is any occasion for me to rethink something, I will. Letting an idea stand is abhorrent to me on some level. It must always be changing; reevaluation must be constant. And so if Sarah says that there is no good reason for me to be upset, then I try to adapt according to that perspective.

Whether Sarah is right or wrong is almost irrelevant at that point - the point is that I find it so difficult to really come up with a position from inside myself. When she asked me what exactly I meant, when I told her that it feels like she's crossing boundaries with me, I had no answer. I don't know how to describe it adequately, even right now. It would be good to do so.

Yes, putting off till later. It's time for zazen then bed. I want to note first that I left the conversation feeling like it was too much, that I needed to just stop analyzing and just live it. This was from my own feeling, but Sarah mentioned it. I did not. I naturally want to keep going until I can't go anymore. Why stop before we all feel great about it? It's kind of an insanity; kind of an inability to accept the messiness of the situation. Sometimes it's good to just stop. There is a lot I still disagree with, a lot I feel I need to understand about the two of us, but I can accept this one point pretty simply and must keep it in mind: I can't go on forever talking about it, and I don't need to. There is something mysterious about it. It stings me to hear these words, that I should know, from her, but they are true. It feels like something I should know already. But here I am, obsessing again, trying to grasp everything. I thought I was done with this shit, Sarah! Well, here it is, a treasure trove of unresolved issues I had locked away. Maybe it's just good enough to bring them into the light a bit, to air out dirty laundry?

Good night.