"Ap-" & "Trans-"

So, 'parently I've been spending the past 45 minutes reviewing Blackjack Basic Strategy. Oh boy. I still don't have to do anything. It just feels good to have that shit down.

And also, 'parently, Sarah has been ignoring me. I can't say whether it is intentional or not. Who am I to say why? I don't really know. For my part, I am left with a decision - do I contact or not? You see, this changes things. She is no longer, or at least not today, aggressively pursuing my attention. I've been complaining for a while that she was doing so, with no let up, having no sympathy for my need to let things cool off a bit. And here I am, where this is happening, and I feel the lack of her attention. I'm tempted to contact her, to poke her for a response. The choice is squarely in my hands. Is this what I want to do, to re-engage?

It seems like an abrupt change to me. What are her intentions, if there are any? I'm so curious. But, of course, I need to remember that a lot of this curiosity, about what she thinks of me, is maybe normal but probably not healthy - I'm too dependent on her opinion. This is how she wins me over, again and again.

God, this sounds like a monologue a teenager should be having.

Her little Facebook bubble has been active all night. Waiting. Like a predator. Of course, I've been on, too.

Now I'm thinking - I'm going to just go to bed. Get to bed right on time, have a good night's sleep, have a good morning.

In normal circumstances, by making this move, I'm taking a position of power. It feels like the power dynamic is shifting. But, of course, I have a bleeding heart, and here's my blog for her and anyone else to see, where clearly I'm thinking about her. An electronic thought bubble, betraying my every move. So be it. That's how I want to be, anyway. No more secrets.

I can wait until tomorrow. What's the worst case scenario? Well, if she has somehow, all of a sudden, completely lost all respect for me, I guess. That would suck.

What if she's just waiting for me to say hello, and then I would win the world, and if I don't, then I lose it? Dear God, the most insane thing to think. Completely undermines everything. The "what if" / "if only" scenario. This is what grinds people to powder.

Note: clearly I'm not that much in a position of power, if I'm experiencing all this anxiety.

I'm going to stop thinking about this for now.

Dear Readers, I know you exist, and I know that many of you have my phone number; so, if you could, I would appreciate a text message with some advice, or encouragement, or admonishment, or anything like that.

Thank you, and good night.