3. What is my greatest as-yet unmet need/desire?
I would say feeling loved. I feel a huge lack of self-confidence, but that is not an immediate desire so much as an understanding of a state of affairs. Love is essential. I want to feel lovable; desirable; needed; all those things. I want a more varied and active sex life. If I were speaking about past lovers in Homeric Greek, I wouldn't be able to use the plural number, I would have to use the dual number. It would be embarrassing. But, phew, I can use plurals in English and no one is the wiser. (Yeah, this is probably one of the geekiest points I've ever made in my life. Way to make me more of a playboy.)
But, seriously, if I could sit and think of the things I want in my life, love is number one. I don't have a career picked out, I am lacking in practice in my talents - it would be good to be talented. I could use more money and a somewhat more stable living/income situation (I have to admit it is not 100% an iron rice bowl at the moment). But if I can find love, especially that elusive, frustrating to define and understand, cliche, impossible, necessary love of myself, I think anything else is possible. Self-forgiveness; self-acceptance. Would be nice. But is that a desire? I think the strongest desire I have right now is to have a close and nurturing relationship with a woman. When I say that, though, it is so clear to me that it's not magic that is going to procure this - all this other stuff about my relationship to myself is much more key. So I'm thinking about this more concrete desire, to be close with a woman, but keeping it in the context of all the other important things that need to come first.
I want to feel good about myself and my life.
Ok, next.
4. What seeds do I want to plant in my inner garden?
I'm assuming that this question is asking me to look further ahead than next year. I think this fits in with my desires. And also with what I mentioned last night. I want to get over this harshness with myself that does not allow the love in. If I can focus on this, it would be great. It's not just about finding romance. This is also about appreciating the present moment. The stuff, the stuff I am realizing is quite brilliant, that my freshly cleared head was focusing on during my long walk on Saturday. Accepting everything that crosses my path in the one moment I am born in, the one moment I die in. To put it nice and poetically.
It's clear, then: my theme for this solstice journey is going to be working through the things that encourage me towards accepting myself and forgiving myself. I use the word love a lot, but I think for the purposes of this kind of thinking, love is too much of a commodity, even in its purest form. This is not about objects, but about the activity of letting go. So I'm phrasing it that way. But accepting myself is also receiving love. It's the same thing.
But back to the nitty gritty.
I did feel rather off today. Is it all this astro(log)nomical stuff going on? I felt really anxious and restless at work, like I couldn't accomplish things. This is of course owing to my feelings about myself - I tend to feel inadequate a lot. I think, as I've mentioned before, that this could be assisted by coming up with a better understanding of my role as case manager, drafting my own mission statement or something like that.
One thing that kind of frightens me is that I have not been paying too much attention to organizing the objects in my life. That is, I could be paying better attention to my car, my closet and its myriad clothes and drawers and things, my office. All these channeler sites, in reference to the solstice/eclipse, suggest you do cleaning, maintenance things. There's still time. I can still work. And, as the title of my post two nights ago indicates, I've been working hard to clean out my heart.
Just as a reminder, what needs cleaning? My relationship with Sarah. My relationship with Alexa could use a little work, too. I have a lot of regrets. The big looming one is my relationship with my Mom. I could try to establish something concrete at work also - it needs to get to a better place.
All the pain inside me. All the self-condemnation and frustration. All the anger I keep inside me. All of it - everything. I want a total cleanse, a total dismantling, a total reconstruction.
Maybe that's a bit dramatic. But I feel that way. There are many other things to focus on, let go. They will come; I will think of them. Self-love, as important as it is, is very abstract. It would be good to focus on each issue as it arises. I think I did a good job of pointing out a few of the important ones here.
With that, I am going temporarily to bed. Getting up to see the eclipse in about 2 hours. Should be good.
Beautiful night, all.
No comments:
Post a Comment