Changes change

I feel a little bit of a backslide today.

The past 3 days this week, Monday Tuesday Wednesday, were all very intense. Now on Thursday night things seem a little bit more like they used to.

Example. The past 3 days I had no interest in looking for people on OkCupid. The idea disgusted me. Today, I found myself back to wanting to do that again.

I'm feeling that maybe looking for someone is not what I need to do. Some people say that you need to just be patient, and the right person will come along when you're ready. I agree and I don't. Theoretically this makes sense for human beings. But I don't think it works for shy men in practice; first, because guys are expected to take a more active role in initiating a relationship than women are; second, because shy people need to work harder to get noticed. I could be wrong about this. Of course it's both.

But anyway - taking time for myself is important. Toning down my painful, ever-unsatisfied need for physical affection is important. By toning down, I mean not letting the lack of it make me resent who I am. That's a bad thing to be doing to one's self. I am entirely prone to doing this.

I need to find the benchmark from which I measure myself; the still point from which to observe myself. I am looking far too often in the outside world. This is fruitless. There is no comparison with anyone else, no list of accomplishments that is going to earn my own approval. That task will wear me out. By what standard does somebody judge himself as good?

Of course I know the answer: there is no standard. The act of judging is itself useless. Reality, including myself, is fundamentally without flaw. I am reluctant to say that it is good, but it is good.

I have received a few new books that I ordered a while ago. Two of them are by Tim Ferriss: The Four Hour Workweek and The Four Hour Body. I've been flipping through The Four Hour Body. Google it for an idea of what it is. It's basically an encyclopedia of crash techniques for improving your body in certain ways, such as fat loss, muscle gain, peak athletic performance, and sexual prowess. Tim Ferriss is a very dynamic and intelligent author, maybe a little hyperactive about some things, but ultimately I trust him as a good researcher and thorough experimenter. I'm going to try some of these things. I kind of hate how it was marketed as a way to feel better about yourself and be happy and conquer women. It kind of feeds narcissism. But it seems to offer very well-thought out and efficient ways to improve your health, and I really need to lose about 15 to 20 pounds. I also want to overcome my asthma.

Anyway, I bring this up because of the feeding narcissism thing - the idea of having a better body is kind of intoxicating, and I need to be very cautious about this project. If I focus too much on how this path to better health is going to make things good, I obscure how everything is fundamentally good, without flaw. The fear that believing everything is perfect will lead to inaction does not approach me - it's not true. In my experience (including my current experience), it's actually the belief that some things are perfect and some things aren't that most leads to inaction. Cf. Leonard Cohen's song, "Waiting for the Miracle." This is why obsessions are bad, this is what goes on inside of them, whatever they are about: I am imperfect, this other thing is good, is what I need.

This is stuff I am all too prone too. I don't know how to compare myself with others. I find myself focusing on lack. I get jealous of what other people have (internally, of course), and then I get jealous that they don't get jealous about these things.

Nothing left to do, but just sit with myself. Eventually I'd like to stop feeling so devoid of my own magic. This is what I chose to release at the Solstice Ceremony on Tuesday - the belief that I don't have anything of value inside of me, nothing to please myself, nothing worth my time, nothing impressive. What do I have? I don't know. I don't think this is something you ever really know. But actively believing that I don't have anything is not the truth.

Ok, that will be all for the night. It will take some time before I can refocus things a little more concrete, due to recent changes to the blog. If you want to know juicier bits, talk to me elsewhere; let's have a real conversation.

Good night, all