This is old stuff, isn't it

And yet it doesn't seem to go away.

That's not fair. Much is different.

So yesterday I tried to talk to Sarah about how I feel, about how it's becoming considerably more difficult to be around her, a little bit about how hanging around her is affecting my self esteem, and I suggested we diminish our contact.

She protested; I am a pushover; our contact has not significantly diminished. As a matter of fact, we are facebook chatting as I write this.

[Chats for most of an hour.]

Well, okay, so I was kind of wondering, and I kind of suspected this, but it seems Sarah has gotten into a lot of different situations like the one we're in, where she clearly intended that she was not interested in somebody, and yet it progressed more and more and got to the point where relations needed to get cut off.

I picked a good title for this post. I originally meant it just for myself, but it looks like it applies to her, too.

This actually gives me a feeling of relief. It's evidence that this is not entirely my problem; illustrates better that this is a mutual issue. Not that it was ever otherwise, this new information just very comfortably makes the shared responsibility clearer.

So it's actually kind of intriguing to me: she makes what seems to be a special effort to point out how she wants the relationship not to be romantic, and, if I can project my own situation onto the past ones, she goes ahead and does everything in her power to make the other person interested. Not consciously, of course. I'm really curious why that's the case.

I began to offer ideas. The first idea that popped out was that she is putting too much weight on verbal boundaries and not on emotional boundaries. That is, you can't just say that the relationship is not romantic, you have to not act romantically, also. Sarah does act romantically.

But then this brings up the issue: she seems to say that, no, it's not romantic, simply because that's not her intention. That is to say, romantic is not anything objective. Can she say that? I'm not sure. I can see it both ways.

Let's say it's not objective. I think she's still responsible for anticipating other people's reactions, at least a little bit. Acknowledging that what is a normal friendship, for her, strays into romantic for a lot of people. I can't speak for everyone, but I can speak quite confidently for myself and for the other people who have gotten into this situation with her.

But I don't know. What is the real boundary between being a friend and a lover? Is it just sex? I don't think so. There's something else there. Does Sarah simply work towards a more intense kind of friendship than most people are used to, something certainly unexpected but nonetheless valid? Or is she actually crossing boundaries she should not cross?

If I really search my feelings, as they say, I feel like it's maybe 10% she has a new breed of friendship and 90% crossing boundaries. I can't really explain that, though. Yet.

I don't feel a complete, whole process of giving and taking. I feel more is taken from me than is given. It's harsh, but true. It's kind of a being left with the bill feeling.

I'm not going to get into blame mode. I am in control of this situation as much as she is. I simply want to understand what's going on, and I am feeling some pain, so it comes out angry. I am angry. But I need to remember I can be angry and not have the anger define me.

I don't have to understand everything, of course. Just see where my feelings in this situation take me.

As far as how the day went, I was pretty depressed most of the time until Sarah left. By the time she came back, though, I was comfortable talking to her. It's good to feel like this sometimes (i.e., moody, dark), but of course it can't go on forever. It won't.

I feel pretty good about it all, at the moment. It's always good to know that you're not the only one acting in the play.

Time for bed.

Good night, all.