Back to work

I was going to be all "fail mode" and just slink off to bed without putting effort into this, but when I went into the kitchen to fill my water bottle, I noticed that Jesus was awake, too, watching science videos. He's never up this late, and somehow that made me feel more comfortable with the night.

Maybe I'll still only write a little, but I'll enjoy it much more.

I want to make a little note about the strange turn in the conversation from two nights ago. I realize I didn't say anything yesterday.

Basically, when Sarah was telling me she only wanted to be friends, and that it was possible for friends to be very close, I got all... exuberant? enthusiastic? desperate? demented? ... and told her that we might as well get as close as possible, that it was possible to do tantra without having sex, that we could go ahead and have the weirdest, most intense friendship in history. I half feel that this is a valid thing. I just think that I went a little overboard due to fatigue and a general sense of despair about the situation. It is not appropriate for us in this situation. Maybe somewhere down the road, with someone different, in different circumstances. But it's not appropriate for here, us, now.

I feel fine today. It seems the true character of our friendship (one-sided crush) has become a regular topic of our interactions. I say "it seems," but really it's coming from me. I am a little surprised at myself for being able to bring it up.

Ok, now I'm getting sleepy. I'm probably going to nod off during zazen, but so be it.

Night all!