Posting in the . . . morning??

So I have had trouble sitting down to read for the past, oh, 3 years or so. This morning I decided to read during and after breakfast, something I haven't done in a long time. The book has turned out to be a page-turner for me (it's Zen, Wrapped in Karma, Dipped in Chocolate, by Brad Warner, FYI). Nonetheless, I was able to put it down after reading a few chapters, feeling like I needed to attend to other things (which I still need to do).

After laying the book on the floor, I found myself looking out the window, watching a cloud, I guess. It was pretty and stereotypically poetic. But the thought that popped into my head was this: it is a great thing, that I want to continue reading this book, but that I am able to stop reading it.

This is very important. Last night I was wondering why I get so involved in distracting myself. This morning, it is clear to me that one reason is that, perhaps, I am actively looking for the feeling of not being able to stop. That is, I get into a mood where I resent the fact that certain things, say, writing or playing music, are too easy to put off. I much more respect the attractive power of pointless internet searches or video games or whatever it is. I like the feeling of not having a choice.

This is a part of me that is one of two things or both: afraid of the power I have within me to make choices about my life; resentful of this power.

Is this why I am so deferent with people? Why I'm so uncomfortable with winning?

This is crucial, crucial stuff. I don't have time right now to get into it deeper, which it would be good to do, but at least acknowledging it for 30 minutes is helpful.

It also illuminates an issue I have with zazen: where does the power come, that gets my mind to settle down, that gets me to sit still, to accept the motionlessness and the silence (which I am not doing 100%)? Not from some external source outside of me, that's for sure. But if not from there, from where?

Have a great day.