Stalking the Perfect Then

This would be the most clever title I've ever come up for anything, if the reference were not both so obscure and so irrelevant to what I'm talking about. Okay, maybe that means it's not clever.

So it's Thanksgiving today, if no one has noticed. I had a really delicious dinner with my roommates and their friends. I guess it kind of struck me a little bit how imperfect it is to be surrounded by strangers on this day. I went into a tryptophan coma anyway, so I didn't even bother being social, but it was clear to me I was uncomfortable being around so many people not in the same place in life as me (my roommates and their friends seem to all be between 45-55). Still, it was a good meal, and the company was friendly and interesting, even if I didn't talk or reach out very much.

I had a pretty intense dream about Xxx today. Actually, Xxx did not feature in it much as an actor. It was more a dream where I all of a sudden felt desperately and hopelessly cut off from Xxx, and it felt like I was being shut-off from everything dear to me. It was a suffocating, trapped, powerless feeling. The emotional equivalent of drowning. This is the emotion behind the idea of Hell, isn't it? Being completely alienated, blocked off, shut away, irredeemably so. I experienced that last night. I'm surprised I'm in such a decent mood right now, this feeling was so intense in the dream.

Here I am, with such a powerful emotion in me, and, of course, I find an excuse to not talk too much about it, or at least the circumstances. If you want to know who this person is, and why I feel I want to hide this identity, just ask me. I have a good reason to do so. I even tried deleting the x's and writing the real name, but it didn't feel right, so I switched it back again.

But getting to the core issues: I am in control of this. This is a world I create for myself, my own personal hell of isolation. I am happy to report that this is growing clearer to me everyday. No drastic changes have been made yet to break through my emotional wall, but I am at least making it a point of focus, getting to realize how pervasive it is. It is still hard for me to believe that I am in control. But I don't think anything will change if I don't motivate myself.

It's exciting to think about all the wonderful things I can do with music and writing and design and social change and everything -- but I need to get this self-esteem thing down before I do anything. These activities can be tools, especially the first two, but I can't fool around with trying to define myself, if I don't understand I am the master of who I am.

Or, looking at it from a mostly different but ultimately identical perspective: if I don't allow myself to feel loved.

Until I do that, I am going to keep meeting lovely people like Xxx and quickly saying goodbye, not able to get truly close, with nothing sticking, no one staying, no connection crystalizing.

I don't want that to happen. I really don't. It can't continue.

I feel sad at the moment; but this is a deserved and sweet sadness. I'm thankful for it.

Feliz Dargracias