The Restless Part of Everyone

Another day of 10 minutes. Better than 5, but worse than the prescribed 15. Also: better than nothing.

How I feel right now: pretty even, stable. A restless absence in my gut. I want my gut to be fiery, alchemical, stormy, brewing, active. I want to feel like a vessel of energy. I don't right now. I feel a little tightness in my neck, in my shoulders. I feel a tiny glow brewing in my gut now. There is something there. I just ate some peanut butter, and I feel a little bit of it sticking to the backs of my molars, lining my esophagus. I feel ready for the day. I feel tired, too. That goes with the tightness in my neck and shoulders. I am reminded to do yoga more often.

So that paragraph stands as my first attempt to write "How I feel right now:" every day in this blog, and go from there. I think it will go well. I am just writing what comes out. My goal is to be as focused and present as possible, not imagining or projecting or speculating or analyzing. I did a little of that. Best to just write it down, without focusing on it. It's a paragraph of verbal meditation. It will develop where it needs to develop.

I had a good session with Sam this morning. We talked a lot about my relationship with Penelope and how that's going. I expressed to him my need for brutal honesty, about how I felt my withholding of things ruined my past relationships, and how I'd like to go beyond that. He suggests that I am on the right track, but I do need to be careful. That is, I really need to make sure that my M.O. is not pressuring myself to do things I think I need to do. Share when I need to. Focus on the immediate feeling; the truest feeling. Also, think about how she feels, and really consider if I want to share something.

Basically I was saying that I needed to share all my doubts about the relationship in order to be really committed. That is, I have lots of doubts (will I be satisfied? Is this enough? Is this what I want?) and getting them out in the open is what will transform them into love and affection. I now realize that this is not the best course of action. As I was telling this to him, I could feel it was wrong. What was good about the session is that I had that feeling, that what I was saying was incorrect, was even embarrassing, and yet I continued to say it anyway; that is, to respect my own intention to speak and get it out there, without editing it.

It's time to go already, but I want to add that Sam was very helpful in guiding me through the ideas behind what I said. Dealing with doubt in relationships. His suggestion is to be aware and to work on it, but neither pour it all out at once, nor hold it back. Let it out in the open - by myself. It's my responsibility, not hers. There is a lot to work with at this point, and I am needlessly putting pressure on myself to have everything go perfectly. Just because I'm putting the pressure on myself doesn't mean it can't hurt things. So simple, so obvious: so easily forgotten and ignored.

Great day, all.