NRG

I'm feeling tired today. I'm so tired, that when I think about what I want to do tomorrow, or for the weekend, I imagine that I'll be too tired. Of course that's not true, but there it is. My 4 dimensional fatigue.

Somehow I started this process of writing e-mails and blogging a little earlier than normal, and yet I'm late for my ideal bedtime. Again. I swear, there's not enough time for anything. Time is running out; it will disappear like all the water, phosphorus and chocolate supplies of the world.

Yesterday I supposedly realized how important it is to clean out my inside; to get my emotions out; to learn, finally, how to channel my anger outside of myself.

It seems like the first step is just to be more open in general. Although anger is difficult to express, by getting into a generally better practice of self-expression, I'm sure anger will be easier, too.

One feeling I tend to hide quite a bit is fear. This I'm not so uncomfortable sharing. It can be a good example for anger, too.

You know, it's actually really interesting, examining how differently I treat the two emotions.

Certainly I can be seized by fear, with trembling, increased heart rate, maybe even shivering - but in my normal, day to day life, fear does not really seem like a toxic emotion. At least, not when it's out in the open. Hidden or suppressed fear can be extremely toxic. But I'm not so afraid of talking about fear. I've gotten into a bad habit, much as I have with anger, of not expressing what I fear to the people around me. Not often enough, that is.

On the other hand, anger always seems toxic and wrong to me. I believe that any expression of anger is essentially dumping a load of strife onto everyone around me. But does it have to be? When seized by it in the moment, fear makes me shiver, but when I want to tell someone I'm afraid, it's no big deal. It's just talking about my feeling. Why can't it be that way with anger?

So I think it might help with expressing anger for me to make an effort to express fears. In fact, if I don't express my fear to the people around me, it can turn into resentment and anger later on.

Hmm.. Looks like I found a side-door into expression of anger. I can work out the details later, but I will make a simple statement of commitment right now: I will express my fear as it arises, sharing it with the people around me as it affects them.

I have not kept track of timing tonight, but it feels like it's time to go. Good night, all. May your fear flow free.