Who is stressed?

The timer is on. I decided on 15 minutes tonight.

During zazen, I thought it would be a good idea to focus on what stresses me out. I guess I should say that a list formed in my head, of those things that have caused me the most stress.

1. I am really stressing about this weekend. Penelope is house sitting, beginning on Saturday. I am petsitting on Saturday. I must stay at my house; she at hers. Crap. The plan right now is that she will be coming up Friday, spending the night with me and then leaving late Saturday afternoon. That's a nice chunk of time together. The only problem is that Friday night my roommates will be around, so we won't have any privacy. There's the possibility of Ojo Caliente, though which will be nice. Whatever happens, it will be nice, and if we can't indulge every impulse, we'll have the pleasure of anticipation for the next time. I could even visit her Sunday night if I wanted to.

I wanted to focus on my stress, and here I have gone and solved the problem for myself. Stupid options, releasing the emotional pressure.

2. My tax amnesty issue. I filed for tax amnesty for 2009 (for various reasons I would be happy to explain in person), and my assigned bureaucrat at New Mexico Taxation & Revenue is taking a long time to get back to me. I sent a fax on 1/19 with an important document, and I haven't heard that she's gotten it. I sent her an e-mail, asking for follow-up. I have until the 20th of this month to get the correct document (there's just one, fortunately) sent in, so there is some time left. And she took a long time to call me back, the first time I called her, so I can expect a delay in response. Or, best-case scenario, she got the thing, it worked out fine, and she's already sent out the letter for the next step, and it's just taking a while to get to me.

3. Work. What am I doing there? I need to spend more time focusing on that. I guess I could even spend time at home, since I've been struggling so much to find time to sit and work out my own goals while I'm actually there. This would be crucial. I almost can say to myself: I'm not allowed to feel anxious about this until I've sat down and come up with my own goals for this job as case manager.

Ok, but the point is that I'm feeling all this stress. I don't necessarily need explanations or solutions. Although, it does feel good to know I have options, different ways to respond to things.

Everything will be ok.

I had a great zen session (not sesshin) tonight. Really great, in fact. Unfathomably great, almost.

I want to phrase it this way: zazen, for just a little while, ceased to be about getting to a perfect point of composure and became a method of questioning who I am.

So I feel stress about all these things, these three main things. I feel a lot of stress. Zazen is not about saying to myself: I should not feel stressed. Calm down. Do not feel stressed. Be calm and the solution will manifest itself. Zazen is about keeping the stress close to my heart and asking: Wait! Who feels stressed? If I don't feel the stress, I can't ask who it is for. Does this make sense to anyone? This seems important to me. Very important. I can only hope that my practice continues along these lines. It's really very frightening - I feel a loss of a certain security. I told this to Henry during dokusan tonight, and he told me not to be afraid. He told me that what zen takes away from you is what you never had; what it gives you is what you've always had. Meaning, I am not damaging myself, hurting myself by opening up this insecurity; this is an insecurity that has always been with me. This is the underlying terror of existence. It's the fear of death, the end of who I think I am. Sometimes, sitting on the cushion, I am afraid of everything inside me, looking out. Will focusing on this make me insane? I really want to walk into this sober; to really examine "who is on board," as Henry says. That is what you're supposed to be asking about: who's there?

I am not just curious about who's there - I'm somewhat frightened by what I might find. Who am I? An angel? A demon? Nothing at all? I know I'm a normal human being, but what does that really mean?

The timer has beeped, and I feel like I have more to write. I'm going to leave it that way; see what I can pick up again tomorrow.

Good night, all. Whoever you are.