Writing Down the Bones of the Artist's Way

Okay,

New blog idea. I'm going to set a timer for 20 minutes and just type. I will not stop when the timer runs out, just wrap up. And guess what: I've already hit the timer.

This is a project along the lines of Writing Down the Bones or the Artist's Way. I am going to edit a little bit, for the sake of sharing this with other people. But it will be quick.

Today. I had a good redemptive moment in reference to the frustration I felt with my coworkers last night. This has not been a huge issue with me, but it was a small, subtle moment of good feeling, when I told someone exactly what I wanted from her. It was pleasant and, most importantly, I got over the feeling immediately - I could move on.

Do I hold myself ransom in these situations - that is, do I needlessly hold myself back, back from "moving on" from drama and emotional attachment, when I do not have the satisfaction I need? It's a little bit like holding myself for ransom. A part of me rebelling against another part - throwing a tantrum - I'm not going to be happy unless I get what I want. Is this the only way of doing things?

I wanted, at some point this weekend, to write down a list of all the foreign places I'd like to visit. I think it was clear that I wanted to visit all the famous ruin sites across the world: Egypt, Greece, Italy (particularly Pompeii), Angkor Wat, Machu Picchu, Chichen Itza. I think that was the main list. Stonehenge would be cool, too. That's a decent list. My goal was to visit a new country every year. I'm already thinking Peru, so that would satisfy Chichen Itza. I'd like to go to Southeast Asia pretty soon, so I think next would be Cambodia (Along with a handful of other countries). Then probably Mexico. I'm assuming I'll be older and richer by the time I go to Egypt, Greece, Italy and England again. Though I've been to England and Italy already, so I'll need to stop by another country on those trips in order to get the quota. I think territories should count, especially if they're exotic enough. So if I stop in, say, the Faroe Islands when I go to England, it would not count as Denmark. Of course it would be great to go to Guatemala and Mexico in the same run.

Ok, next thought. Feeling a little shaken up today. Tensions were high at work, as my other co-workers can tell you. I always feel frightened of retaliation; it's a bad feeling. People are crazy, and they don't get help. I know it does me no good to be paranoid, but our country sucks at getting people help when they need it - we always seem to need to start the process of reviewing mental health conditions a little too late. I am of course thinking a lot about the shooting in Arizona last month. It seems like a very real thing to me, not far away.

I really want to make efforts to heal the society I live in. Spending all day trying to bandage up the wounds gets to feel kind of pointless. "There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root," as Thoreau says. I want to spend my time striking at the root.

Next, I am thinking about diet. I have been taking a break, ostensibly just to make an effort to get rid of a lot of the food I have in the refrigerator. But I am beginning to feel bloated and tired again. I think the 4HB diet actually did help me quite a bit. This morning I decided to end the gorging on sweets I had succumbed to, but why not go farther? I'm cutting out the wheat again, starting tomorrow. If I cut it back day by day, I will get back to something both healthy and comfortable. Of course it's nice not having to cook for myself - I missed having the leisure to read in the morning. But really, I need to wrest that time from my lying in bed. As Sam says, I don't have time for dithering anymore. I think 30 minutes reading and daydreaming, after being awake, is worth 30 minutes of stolen bed time, neither awake nor really resting. But, I still wonder, who am I to say? Obviously the lazy bed time does something for me.

I want now to spend a sentence or two on deeper emotional things. I remind myself that it's important to focus on bodily sensations. This was my big insight, my great work at Sesshin - that there is a disconnect, that I still believe that mind and body are somehow separate things. I want to say that I believe that they are one, but it is not quite so simple as to say: I now believe that mind and body are one. It takes time. And, most importantly, I need to understand that in my body. I wonder what sort of work I need to do in order to realize that.

I still have about 4 minutes left. I think this writing suffers from lack of consideration, from thinking. But look how prolific I've been, spending less time than I normally do on this.

I'm just going to stop for now. I'll give myself the same amount of time tomorrow, but I'm thinking maybe even 15 minutes could be great - if I can figure out how to get to the heart of the matter much faster. Or, maybe, I did just fine. I'll need to reread all of this tomorrow.

For now, good night.