Contracting Expansion

I want to dream a little bigger these days; and yet I'm also struggling to be more real. This contradiction is uncomfortable for me. I feel I could be doing more with myself, but I have this almost cynical pull to earth making sure that I have no time or energy for such things, at best, and a serious mistrust of my imagination, at worst. I don't know how to resolve this, other than continuing what I am doing - letting my current job situation do its work on me; deepening my zen practice; exploring different perspectives on self and methods on bringing it out; doing my body good, both in activity and diet; enjoying a relationship where I find myself being honest and therefore capable of really being passionate. The imagination, the spark, the creativity are there. I am simply where I am right now.

It would be nice if had energy to write a little more; maybe I'll have time for that tonight. We'll see.

Today I noticed myself buying into some petty resentments at work regarding how much a couple of people were paying attention to me. I caught myself lingering, wanting that recognition. It would have been faster for all of us if I had just walked in there, unafraid of showing my feelings, and just saying that I wanted attention, damnit, and I did not have time to wait around for it. I am disheartened by the codependence, but I'm heartened by the fact that I can at least recognize what choices I'm making in the situation, better preparing myself for the future. The shame of needing this attention is hard to bear; but I think I ought to at least try accepting that it happens and allowing it to show. I'm so afraid of my feelings tripping things up.

I am slowly realizing that all my attempts to hide my feelings - all of them - are completely futile. (This train of thought has, of course, been inspired by Radical Honesty.) Not only is this hiding a bad thing - but hiding my feelings is actually impossible. People know. And if it's not quite the simple cause and effect we normally expect (for example, I feel upset, so you feel intimidated or put off directly and consciously by my being upset), it will have a more unconscious effect (for example, I feel upset, so you feel put off in an unconscious way, making you, say, less interested in listening to me, or slightly more uncomfortable with my presence). Either way, the effects are real. I am in the stream. I cannot pretend that I can be dry. My actions are constantly having consequences. There is no secret space where they can remain apart from the world.

It's kind of overwhelming, knowing this. It makes me feel naked. But this is important shit. This is crucial for me. I cannot hide. I'll say it again: I cannot hide.

This, of course, doesn't mean that I should go around saying everything to everybody. Not everything needs to be said. But there will be times where I know I am hiding something I actually want to say, and this is where I have room to grow.

I will grow along these lines, am growing already.

With that, an early, timely sign off for the evening.

Good night, all.