The next day

So as a note, I want to mention that, if you haven't noticed, I am now anonymous on this blog. I have also changed the names of my okcupid connections.

Events of the day of the solstice prompted me to change gears on the blog, and I've been thinking about it ever since. What I have decided to do for the moment is anonymize a few things; creating a tier of information. If you are in my inner circle, you will naturally know who I am and who I am talking about. If you are a facebook friend, you will know who I am. If you found this site on google, you will not know anyone.

I'm not going to anonymize all names - just when it feels appropriate. I think it's appropriate when I'm talking about people I'm dating whom neither I nor my friends know very well. Hence changing the names of okcupid people. More casual stuff I'm not going to worry about too much. That will be it for now; we'll see how it goes. Any suggestions or criticisms are more than welcome.

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So, today. Today I spent the morning drinking in the feelings after my date with "Penelope." I feel good; I feel things have been going great. What was not entirely expected is the anxiety I feel. I would categorize this feeling as "Oh shit, something good could come of this, I hope neither I nor circumstances I can't control mess this up." It's been ebbing and flowing all day long. I've decided it's normal; it's appropriate; it shows I care; it shows I'm feeling something real, here. But I'm afraid of this feeling, in turn, making me feel too worried and, in turn, screwing things up. Which is not likely, but the possibility is there, and I am responsible for my feelings; feelings have consequences.

It's also a little insane, and a little co-dependent, and I want to be rid of that. However, it's going to take some work.

[Takes a break to get some food - I haven't eaten nearly enough today. This is a problem I've had with my diet I need to work on. But thank god for all the harðfiskur I have left over from Iceland.]

I need to focus on my needs and what it will take for me to feel full. I'm pretty sure it's possible. When I say things like that, I get concerned that I am talking about some narcissistic, "I am an island" way of thinking. That can be a problem, but it's not necessarily my biggest problem. I think I can get seduced into that line of thought a little bit, but if I acknowledge that I do, indeed, have a need for intimacy, for friendship in general, for close friendships with everyone, and for close, sexual intimacy with a woman; if I remember that this is real work I need to do, and I am not derailing myself by doing so, then being by myself is okay, since it is part of the full context of my life. And I can always benefit from any step that takes me away from co-dependent type behavior (which we all have, by the way), of course.

So, yes, anxiety over Penelope. I'll limit gushing to two sentences. She seems to very much approximate the exact type of woman I'm after (see the earlier blog post). She's beautiful.

I'm pretty certain she's interested, too. But, of course, one can never be too sure. Especially since there are some glaring differences in our life situations, but I feel like we hit it off really well and these won't matter. If she decides not to continue, I don't think I will feel resentful - first and foremost, because I don't want to be resentful of anybody like that anymore, but, secondly, it will be easier because she's very civil and communicative about everything. I might get a little deflated. What would I do? I think I would cancel my okcupid account - this will be the end of it - and just focus on myself more intensely. I hope to do that anyway, but this would be double-time, or something like that. However, in addition to really liking this woman, I really do feel I need the growth that comes from intimacy, so I would be missing her company.

But that's the future, which is yet to be and is not yet.

Right now I am waiting for her response to my latest e-mail. She will most likely respond tomorrow, which was the pace of our last correspondence.

In the meantime, I trust I can continue to grow.

More to come over the next days, weeks, months.

Good night, all.