Restless

I one day after Sesshin, and I am back to wasting time. My little self goes crazy when it has free time, as if doing anything, planning anything was an imposition, and I just want the freedom to be completely useless, indulgent, physically awake but asleep on so many levels. I am never entirely restful, of course, because I know I can do better.

I won't take it too personally, though: this is the way of thinking mind, I'm taught. As long as I am acting from thinking mind, it will insist on asserting itself, again and again. It is my job to do my best with what perspective I am able to have; bringing myself back to center over and over again, as I slip away from it ten million times a day.

I guess there is such a thing as being happy with one's self, being balanced and settled into things, and I don't have to have such a dire perspective. I am making good progress in my life in little things; for this I can be happy.

One thing I noticed in Sesshin is how much my mind actively seeks to find problems in things. This is a big thing for everyone, but it is very marked in my personality. I can find a problem with something like a pig after a truffle. If there is a crack, a dent, a flaw, I will rush to it as fast as possible and kind of sit there and be uneasy about it. I guess I could start by not having a problem with this tendency of mine.

Sesshin was helpful, after all.

With that, off to bed, a little later than hoped. An hour later.

Good night, all.