Chain of Topics

Why must I set myself up for blogging tasks I cannot fulfill?

Of course I'm not going to talk about video games / relaxation stuff this evening. I just had an epic massage - it lasted a little under 2 hours; and I am going to bed very, very soon.

I am getting primed and ready for my sesshin on Wednesday night. I felt strange anxiety last night, when Henry began posting e-mails about it. I have my daily schedule for the whole retreat. I'm so curious, how this is going to go. Koans and everything. 8 - 9 hours of zazen every day. It seems like a lot, but I believe I can make it.

The madness of having too much to do continues; I am afraid of the cuts I am going to have to make at some point. I'm planning on skipping Wednesday zazen next week in order to give myself a night off. I have something else going on every other day, counting Tuesday where what is going on is that I'm working late.

One, deep, important thing to mark down: how my feelings about my relationship, how I look at something to rely on, really involves a deeper principle about self-esteem, about trust in the world. Of course relationships are workshops for experiencing trust. I must remember that being in this situation, I am given an opportunity to expand trust in myself and in other people. I would like to get into this more in the future.

For now, bed.

Good night, all.