Time not managed

Rumi says that while the thinking mind considers options, he is lost in the wind.

Anyway, I've got things happening in my life, whatever that ultimately means.

And some of those things are good.

Date with Penelope on Saturday went well. We met at my house, and then we went to Whole Foods to get some food. Then we went home and prepared it - we had salad, steamed asparagus wrapped in prosciutto, and bread with cheese and tapenade. Not the junk food fest I imagined for my diet cheat day, but really elegant and nice. That's what eating's all about, anyway.

We drove up to the Waves and had a private bath; I had reserved the women's communal tub for an hour, and it was lovely. It was very neutral, as she calls the experience of bathing. That is, not exceptionally erotic or intimidating. I felt the same way, largely distracted by the temperature extremes. Except for one single, brief moment I found extremely erotic, and which I am not describing here. Ask me in person. It was really unusual seeing someone naked on a second date, but it worked for me because, yes, bathing is kind of neutral for me, too. It's fundamentally an activity I enjoy (maybe even have a passion for), not so much a gateway to sex or anything like that. But, of course, I think we both had a good time, and it brought us closer together.

So we drove back to my place and sat in the living room, sipping red wine and eating dates and talking for hours about our families. When I told her my mom died just over 9 years ago, she said, "I'm sorry," which is normal, but then she asked me to tell her about my mom at length. Not just about her death, but everything, and how I feel about her. I thought that was the right question to ask me.

When she saw the time, she decided to go. She told me that she is dating other people in the same capacity as she's dating me, that is, she has not been physical with anyone. I stupidly made a comment about "competition." I don't know. I was just blathering. It was dumb. She told me not to worry about it; there's no real competition; what needs to start with the right person will just start. Of course that's how it is.

I was a little surprised by this discussion I shouldn't have been, but I was. I feel like I clammed up a bit. I think my lip was quivering, so I was biting it to keep it still when I wasn't talking. I don't know why I was so nervous. I told her I was fine with the situation; telling her I want to continue, see how things go. I felt a little deflated that evening and the next morning, but by the end of Sunday it was fine. I'm confident that, yes, whatever needs to happen will happen. I really like her, and I hope things work out, but I really do believe that these things are always mutual. That is, if she decides not to start a relationship with me, it will be for a good reason that will probably be clear to me in some way. I don't have to take everything so personally, if I choose not to.

That being said, date #3 is in the works. It will probably be along the lines of dinner and a movie - with context (i.e., movie we discussed together; food we discussed together). She's apparently never had Vietnamese food, and I'd like to correct this, either here or in Albuquerque.

I'm happy with how things are so far. On Saturday and Sunday, I was feeling the weight of my wondering if I am mature enough for her, but now that's over. Things are moving forward. I am more comfortable with the uncertainty that exists between us, because I am choosing not to judge myself based on the outcome. I still have a far way to go in that process, but I'm going.

There is more to be said. Always, always more to be said. But I am going to sit now.

Good night, gentle all.