I guess that's what this blog is turning out to be. The major tiredness sets in on those weekend nights, when I want a break from my glorious Apollo self-edifying day planning.
I thought I'd fit in a good 15 minute stretch tonight, timer and all.
Things go well. Radical Honesty is running into some scheduling problems. Marina will be moving away from Santa Fe in a short amount of time, so I hope we scrappy few can get it together. Anyway, what I have experienced so far has been valuable. I am glad to have a new level of awareness added to my interactions throughout the day.
Work as been energetic; home life has been a little energetic. I did a lot of organizing yesterday; I continued today. I started with my junk drawers and did a little bit more closet reorganization. I have some clothing projects to work on; maybe I'll even get to that tonight. Probably not, but I could if I wanted to. (It's stain removal.) Today at work I continued the organization craze. I made a point of not talking to people, just focusing on my filing projects, but people dropped into my office one by one. The conversations were not bad, until the very end (and I apologize to this guy), because he had bipolar "pressure of speech," and it was getting to quitting time, and I had to cut him off a few times. It's good that I recognize this condition a little better, and that I am gaining more courage to let people know when their continually derailing trains of thought are getting in the way of having an effective session. It does me or him no good to write him off as "crazy" and not pay attention.
Yes, so there's that, and I want to write again, and I want to think about Peru. And my accordion needs repairs. It looks like I'm back on the galloping horse again.
I ask myself now: I want to write, but it's not like it was back in the day. Even as I write this now, I know I am going to make myself a little dinner, then want to engage in diffusive activities for a little while. I feel that it is owed to me. I could very well pick up and get to writing later (doing this blog entry now, rather than later, in a certain sense is clearing up space in my mind to do other things), but I wonder if I will. I wonder what it will take.
If I take a minute to gauge how I feel at this moment, I feel a kind of relaxation; a kind of comfort with where I am; but this is undercut by a kind of buzzing restlessness. As if I've been devoting too much energy into activities. But I feel good now. The lighting in the dining room is just right enough to bring up memories of sitting at a Greek restaurant on the Donauinsel in Vienna. The taste of the Retsina, the glow of the holiday lights wrapped around the warp and weft of the white lattices that served as walls, the look in the eyes of Maria sitting across from me, the Polish girl, who did not speak English, and who I later learned had a crush on me, and, damn it, why didn't I respond? I can even enjoy this regret; laugh it off. Is this sense of peace genuine?
A part of me wants to grasp that buzzing restlessness and get to the bottom of something. But maybe there is no problem. I can feel right now that I will gladly write a little bit and gladly settle into zazen this evening. I will not get excruciatingly tired, I will not compulsively waste time on the internet (after a certain point) and I won't feel a need to masturbate, as I often do when I'm left alone, without much to do.
Is that part of it? An ebb in sexual tension? It's possible. It would be important to make that connection, a feeling of sexual tension and my inability to focus, my inability to enjoy where I am. Those two, indeed, seem intertwined. Is my feeling tonight unnaturally chaste? I don't think so. It's just that I'm not looking to be stimulated. If my mind chose to go down that path, I could easily make myself horny, but I have no need to, not right now. Maybe the sexual tension I'm missing wasn't genuine sexual tension, but sexual tension being used for another purpose, for dealing with unresolved feelings, fears, depression.
I am left feeling suspicious - is that a good thing or a bad thing?
I'm noticing now that my appetite has been somewhat low today. Less compulsive eating.
What is going on here? This is so new for me.
That's 15 minutes. In the effort of ensuring that this blog will stay fresh for me, I'm going to stop now. We'll see where I'm at tomorrow.
Good night, all.
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