Late night posting.

Got to get sitting, then to bed. It's very late.

For the sake of getting something down here: hmm... it was a strange evening. I have feelings to sort out, and I'm not ready to think about them yet, entirely. Certainly the curtain rising on my coming voyage is causing all kinds of excitement and anxiety, influencing how I react to things. I will add that a lot of the feelings tonight, which arose in response to the events of tonight, feel exactly like my feelings yesterday. Hammering in once again the idea that these are reactions I carry around in me. Lots of negative shit. Fuzzy, dense, monstrous negative low-esteem things. They are sitting in me very relaxedly at the moment, not a whole lot of tension. But present. It's like there is a beast resting in between my heart and my stomach. Not threatening me, not wreaking havoc - just sitting motionless and staring at me. Always there, always watching. It's a kind of gentle domination. Winning every moment, leaving me only one option: feel like a loser. In several different ways.

This loser stuff is nonsense, untrue. But so convincing. So real.

I wonder what will happen tomorrow, at the shamanism class? Amazing things, I hope. Amazing things, if I remember to work for them...

Good night.