Day of 2007 - 2

Really not in the mood to write tonight. Nothing horrible has happened; I'm just very tired, and I had kind of a restless day. I will make a minimum effort, however, since that is better than doing nothing at all.

Of all the things I listed yesterday, I wanted to talk most about the Crestone experience. What I felt was an intense feeling of shame, of being a failure, of not being able to keep up with myself, of not being the best. A lot of ego wounds all at the same time. To make a long story short, our Taiko group was doing exercises. Julia Misawa picked who she thought was doing the exercises the best to stand at front of the class. I don't remember who all was there, but I do remember that most if not all the ones who were picked were Smokin' Bachi members, and I was not picked. This was devastating for me. After a few minutes of fuming, I ended up leaving the workshop and catching the end of Tai Chi. Probably the best thing I could have been doing, in such a state of agitation.

Is this me just being a spoiled sport? Yes. Practically speaking, yes. Yes, I was upset because I felt left out; because I was not judged the best. This is childish, and I could do better. But to just dismiss it as childish gains me no insight. There was something striking deep there. Normally, I really can deal with this kind of thing sensibly. Some chord was played by this particular event that caught me completely off guard and unable to adjust for a while. I must note that I decided not to participate in Smokin' Bachi's performance later that day. I felt a huge rift between myself and Taiko, which normally had been such a good thing for me.

Why is that? Was it because I learned I wasn't guaranteed to be the best? That seems so silly to me, why would I care? And yet I care.

That's it for me. Ok, so I did more than the bare minimum. Good job, me. I'm going to go to bed now, however.

Good night, all.