Cuts and Knicks

Oh man, this life. This body. This mind. Oh, man.

Not really complaining. Just venting feeling.

What a weird time at work. I feel much better now, but, good god.

I remember last week's meeting with Sam. How all my feelings of being broken, inferior, dysfunctional, toxic, hide the real relation underneath. I just feel all bruised and wounded. I kind of hated Any and Sarah for a moment there: why are they skewering me like this? For what purpose? Was it a necessary consequence of me being so withholding? Maybe. I feel all bruised, though. I know. I know that withholding myself is an issue I have: but is it really so bad?

Yes, it's really so bad, but beating myself up over it is not dealing with it.

I can write this now. I can say: I feel hurt. It is a fact: I felt hurt this afternoon. And this is my blog, so I'm going to complain: the way Any talked to me this evening I felt was very condescending and unsympathetic. I would write more, but I think it would be more appropriate to talk to her directly, in private. I will need to think more over the next day or two about how I feel. I am angry right now. I feel demeaned, not treated with sufficient respect. But I can't separate the immediate hurt with the notion of how I should be treated, at least for now. Any, I know you read this, I will talk to you tomorrow probably. I don't hate you or anything; I'm just trying to work through this.

I feel so ashamed to not be perfectly composed. But, really, fuck that.

I am feeling all kinds of emotional stress right now and the past few days. I can't really afford to project it onto other people: I need to own this stuff.

I am dangerous with my attachments. I am dangerously attached to the cute Siamese-mix cat who lives on the shelter patio, who I took to the vet today with intern Sam. Next chance I have - I don't know when - I need to talk to Jesus and Mary about the possibility of adopting him (man, I love their names - that reads hilarious). Probably no, but I should at least give it a shot, make the case, before I go through the infinitely more difficult procedure of finding someone else to adopt him.

And I am still just as confused as ever about Sarah. I want to say: "I thought I was over her, but here I go again" or something like that, but it's not true. I never thought I was over her. I just feel something too real there. But what is it? I don't know. Is this supposed to be some sort of ultra-friendship that feels like you're in love? No, that feels off, because my sexuality is not taken into consideration. Am I supposed to steel myself against her, run away, distance myself? Isn't that what I normally do, the thing that messes everything up, no matter what the context? Hmmm... that leaves treating myself and her humanely. But how to do that? Here's the conflict: I want to be someone who just loves somebody and, yes, stays with her until 11pm like he wants to and brings her bubbles and thai iced tea, like he's thinking the whole time - that is to say, acts on his feelings without shame or fear - but can somehow do that without holding his dick between his legs. I need to figure out how to do that.

Really, why don't I just go for broke at this table?

Why? Because I don't exactly understand what I do or do not have to lose, and that's a bad way to go gambling.

All right, I need to go to bed.

Good night.