Patience, again

But why is the answer patience, when I want things to go rocketing off in all directions?

I'm just wondering when all the nonsense is going to come tumbling down, when I'll have energy, and desire to relate, and stop all this business of being afraid to touch other people, and bring my sexuality very firmly into my life so that I can share it properly with other people.

I want to be able to focus, to have perfect posture, to pay attention to everything, to lift myself up by my own bootstraps.

But I'm here now, with all of my thought addiction, mother complex and everything. I'm not afraid to reach out, I'm just afraid of myself - that I'll always say no to everything for God knows what reason. And I have nothing to blame but my own self. That's the scariest thing: there is nothing to rely on. This is me; this is it.

Hmm... What nice, sleepy bedtime thoughts. I'm tired again, and so I'll be going to sleep.

But seriously: Who am I? Where do my choices come from, who makes them, and where do they go? What is this, this life thing? Are these questions unanswerable? What a beautiful muddle, what perfect chaos, hiding underneath any sense of order. Accomplishment - what is accomplishment? Who really benefits?

The grail king.

Good night.