Neutered

There are a lot of things I am feeling right now; a lot of things I can talk about.

The one that is sticking right now, good for me to think about it, or bad for me, is frustration over the fact that I have never felt any sense of control or freedom when it comes to relationships, and I feel like I never will.

I talked to Sarah about my feelings today, stumblingly, awkwardly, but sincerely, and I think maybe it will be the last time. She's right about a lot of things: our friendship is just that, and if I'm feeling great about her, and I'm getting a lot out of the platonic relationship we have, (and, as a Plato nerd, I can say this relationship actually deserves to be called platonic), why do I need to turn it into something else?

I don't know the answer to that. I have emotional and physical needs, and I would like them satisfied. Maybe Sarah is not the one to do that. But who should it be, damn it, if it's not someone I'm so attracted to? Why can't we just try it out and see if it works, why is it always an immediate, non-deliberated no, no, no?

People have said yes to me before, not the least of which being Alexa, and I don't want it to look like that doesn't matter. It does. My problem here is not that no one says yes; my problem is that it's so bipolar, so extreme for me. I've either had years-long relationships with people, or complete and utter rejection (sexually). Absolutely nothing in between. How can this be a venue for experimentation, for play, for figuring out my needs and my capabilities and my desires?

Sarah is absolutely allowed to say no. What frustrates me is that it never even really seemed like an option. That pisses me off. Like there was no choice involved - it was unthinkable for her. That really sucks. This makes me wonder, why do I even have genitalia at all? What's the point?

Am I getting this across? I feel powerless when it comes to sex. Completely and utterly powerless, at the mercy of factors I have no say in. I feel like free will applies to this as much as it does turning a lump of coal into an ice cream sundae.

And this is not just about meeting new people. This absolutely has come into play in my relationships.

I know the obvious solution is to somehow not feel powerless. To learn to take control better, to observe better, to keep a better attitude. But this is hard - my worldview is shaped around the notion that I have no control when it comes to sex. It's going to take a lot of work to change this, and I am still not entirely confident that it is possible. I am tempted to blame society for requiring me, in order to satisfy my needs, to act in a way it has taken great measures to train me not to act in. I know, I know, that's not true. I am responsible. But the evidence is still kind of shady to me. Where is this power? Why do I not have it? Why do others seem to have stumbled onto it accidentally, while I have to flounder forever?

Fortunately, I'm doing work on these things. It's discouraging, because I'm almost 28 and really these are things most people figure out at least 5 to 10 years earlier than I am, but I need to keep working.

Fortunately. But not happily. At least not at this moment.

I'm sorry, I can't really offer a bright side at the moment. There will be tomorrow.

Good night.