Necropants Fever

It feels like all the blogs I subscribe to are talking about Necropants. Nábrók, in Icelandic. They seem awesome, and I'd like to visit the museum they're in. I have just canceled my plans of traveling to the Vestfirðir, where I would find the city of Hólmavik, hometown of the necropants. However, looking at google maps, Hólmavik is not too far off the Hringvegur to be impossible. A bonus is that it's not too far from Krossnes, one of the original pools I wanted to visit, before it was advised to me not to travel in the Vestfirðir in winter. Maybe I can make it up to H-vik on one of the days I have planned between REK and Akureyri? I hope I can at least stop at Erik the Red's house on the way.

Shit, I'm talking about next week! Woo-hoo!

This was an intense day. Really great. I had therapy again this morning, part of what turned out to be a three-week intensive. I don't think I can really afford to do this all the time, but it was nice. The two of us have decided that we need to focus on getting me to understand and focus on my sexuality. Doing this is both good in itself and will free up other energy in other situations. What I mean is, I think my unresolved, undecided attitude toward sexuality gets it all tangled up in other activities unnecessarily.

It was great to talk about. Sam believes that people's sexuality are quite varied, and that a lot of the work of becoming sexually aware is getting rid of conditioning that would put you in too narrow categories. Specifically, he suggests that I am a type of person not suited toward normal ideas about masculinity and femininity, yin and yang tension, and the more I pursue gratification along these lines, the less satisfied I am going to be. I am the type of person who will always seek a mutual balance of forces and instincts in myself and in my partner, as well as between both of us. My interest is in communion rather than electricity; a real understanding and connection. If I am concerned that I tend towards being too inactive, not explosive enough, not tense enough; looking at it from this perspective, the solution is very clear: I must be more comfortable being open and vulnerable. I have made the mistake again and again of looking at it as a problem of not being bold enough, not strong enough, not enough a rock star. This is a dead end for me. It's about opening, opening, opening. That's where the fiery heart of it is.

This is kind of obvious, but sometimes it takes a conversation like this, where I sort of get a new role, a new identity, to really get perspective on it. I mean, of course I knew all these fundamentals, but deep down I was harboring hopes that I was this other type of person that I am not. That is a recipe for feeling choked up and powerless. Time to let go of that.

I don't feel like I have solved it all. On the contrary, I feel like I've entered a new atmosphere and am starting on square one with my whole concept of what it means to be sexual. Exciting stuff. Huge stuff.

I am going to log off soon, but before I do, I want to at least mention the nearly 2 hour long conversation I had with Sarah this morning / afternoon. It was fundamentally work related, but it brought out a lot of emotion in me. I think she felt a little put-off, but it was great for me to be able to get all these feelings out and play around with them for a while. When talking about how intense the conversation was, noting how much I was feeling at the moment, I said "I am very emotionally reactive to you." She gave me that "oh, shit, he's talking about being attracted to me" look, but I think she got that I meant just that, no more, no less. On Sunday she suggested to me that the great chemistry between us is a chemistry between friends, and I think it all came up today. Was it a coincidence that this happened on a day where I intentionally made an effort to observe my sexuality separate from other emotional needs? I don't think so. It felt a lot freer.

There is so much more here, but I will leave it at this today.

Good night, all.