Day of 2007 - 12

I woke up really rested and energized, slightly before the alarm went off. This means I got out of bed slightly after the alarm went off, but that's improvement.

Brilliant session with Sam today. The main theme was how my feelings of guilt and toxicity are how my judgments about myself and other people get in the way of genuine empathy. For example, the feeling I felt from my dream about Alexa yesterday - I could feel regret and shame and guilt about the break-up, or I can feel the pure unadulterated sadness. It's my choice. But one path leads me away from my feelings and real connection with other people, the other leads me toward them.

Just feeling the sadness is acknowledging that it was painful; it is also having empathy for Alexa and the pain she is going through. Feeling toxic and guilty is continuing to put up a wall. We are broken up, but there still does not need to be a wall. It's never a good choice.

The sad irony is that choosing to respond to the sadness through self-punishment, self-loathing, in some unconscious, primitive effort to protect the other person, just leaves her with even less of me; and that makes me poorer too. I'm really sorry, Alexa. I really feel the pain of the whole thing fully (or relatively fully) now. This is good. I need to feel this way.

I almost burst into tears in my therapy session. It's never happened before, but I'm getting there. Not that it's something I should engineer; it's just helpful to watch. It was while I was discussing an argument I had with my mother about 12 years ago. Not going into details right now, but it was shameful and exasperating. My mom was visibly hurt by it, and seeing that made me feel shame and panic and pity and real resentment at the fact that, by doing what I thought was just being me, just being myself and feeling my feelings and believing my beliefs, I was causing so much pain for someone I loved. Why did I have to choose? If being me was so terrible for other people, why was I myself? You could dismiss these things as teenage angst, as the result of simply not understanding myself and other people well enough, but I still think that this is a real issue, not just for myself, but for everyone as they go through life.

This new trend I have of really trying to just sit with my feelings and recognize when I am not doing that is a great one, giving me great stride in dealing with all these conflicts.

Again, time to go - it's gotten too late. Nothing explicitly about 2007 - but, really, it's all about this feeling not okay with myself issue that has been at the forefront of my life.

That will be it for now.

Good night.