NoVideo - Day 3

Yes, I'm starting on day 3, because I didn't get to blogging about it on days 1 or 2.

On Sunday, Penelope said she wanted to break up with me. There are a lot of details, but the main gist is that she feels I am not available. I know that line. I think she's right. I don't feel available to myself, either.

I moped for much of Monday and Tuesday, grieving for the relationship, smarting from the suddenness of it all and considering carefully what went wrong.

I decided that my attachment to video, while not wholly or even mostly responsible for the fracture, was at least partially responsible for it. However, it is very largely responsible for taking up a lot of my time and energy in a time when I need all that I can get. I reflected on how the time and energy that video eats up goes far beyond the actual time spent on it directly. It makes me more lethargic; it makes me focus less on what I'm doing; i'm sure it effects my brain chemistry in a way I couldn't directly explain; it encourages me to overeat; it contributes in an overall neglect of my body; it also contributes in neglect of my feelings. Caring for my feelings is not like caring for my body, where I can pick up the slack later if I ignore it now - no, caring for my feelings takes a lot of consistent work, otherwise I slip back dramatically. I am really, really good at shutting them off, and video is an all-too-easy way to do so. Perhaps the easiest.

I want that time and energy. I want my life. Even if it doesn't solve my problems with Penelope (and I guarantee it will help some), it will at least open up the space and time - the possibility - that I can at least try something instead of letting everything slip away. I can grieve better, if things don't work out; I can understand myself.

So:

Wednesday morning, around 9am, I decided to cut myself off from video. That means no t.v., no movies, no video clips of any kind, and no video games except for the ones I am coding myself (and they are not much of a distraction anyway).

This will be in effect until January 2, 2012. Why January 2? I'm not sure exactly. It was arbitrary. I thought that, somehow, waiting until the day after New Year's was a little bit better.

I won't be going back to normal after that point, though. I'll gradually reintroduce a little bit more until I reach a good equilibrium - in my imagination the end product will be that I will watch movies; full episodes of quality, worthwhile t.v. shows; and play substantial, well-recommended video games. No free, candy-like little snippets - they take so much more from me than the longer, more deliberate offerings. But we'll see how this develops.

Of course, eliminating video from my life is just a tiny step; a tiny step on a long, long staircase that leads to the life I know I have it in me to live. All the inner problems, all the addictive, obsessive behavior; all the discomfort with my emotions and the repression - it won't magically disappear. What's different now is that I feel the full force of myself going into this little task, and I feel like I can really wind up in a place from which to take the tiny second step, and the tiny third step, and so on.

So here I am. I'll try to keep posting about the progress, with all my thoughts and reflections on this process (which seems so miniscule compared to all the thinking and writing about it I'm doing - but I know it's worthwhile) and how it develops.

As for Penelope, that might be the subject of another post. I'll say we're not broken up quite yet; we're still talking and figuring this out.

Good day, all.