I am once again feeling the constraints of time. It required effort to get out of bed this morning. I got a good run in, had breakfast, went to work, went to zen, came home, had dinner, and now I'm here, and it's almost time for bed. I will get some good reading in tonight; I can feel it. I've finally got a little momentum going, and I'm probably going to finish Lord Jim very soon.
I'm feeling indecisive again about this Salkantay Trek. I think, if nothing else manifests, I'm just going to commit to llamapath, because it's the tour that I want with the company that I want. It's not the price that I want, but the company has worked with me the best. And if I'm paying over $400 for something that cost $80 ten years ago, I want good service.
The current pulls me along, as my mind drifts to other plans, other ideas, other tasks.
A note about the feelings behind it all, before I sign off for the night. I'm really focusing on all the resistances I feel, resistances to the things that I do and experience. Whether the resistance is a thought pattern that avoids a certain situation, an unwillingness to get out of bed, a feeling of tiredness, I need to realize: there is feeling there. The idea that nothing is going on, that I have no response or no feeling, is part of the ploy I've developed to avoid dealing with the natural pain that arises from existence. Can't I face that pain, expand with it, let it work through me? Yes, I can, and I need to stop telling myself I feel nothing in order to own it.
Good night, all.
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