Awash

A strong, unforgettable emotional day for me. And then I spent the evening watching Star Trek TNG and playing stupid strategy games. Go figure. Such is the nature of my coping mechanisms.

I awoke in an odd mood this morning, interfering a little bit with my time with Penelope. We went on a hike, which I cut short, because I felt tired inside and out. We walked back in silence. Not like me, the way I've been the past few months. We drove up to the lookout before the Ski Basin and talked. Everything I was feeling came out. She told me how she felt. It was incredibly reassuring. I also felt extremely vulnerable and crumbled into her. It was nice.

Where does this get me? I've still got a lot of work to do, emotionally. Things turned out well; and it's important for me to note that things turned out well, because I decided to share how I was feeling rather than bottle it up. There was a direct connection. I need to stamp this cause and effect chain into my brain.

When I was meditating this morning, something was different. I felt like I did not need to do anything else. The sitting was not getting in the way of doing anything, I had no need to rush, nothing to look forward to afterward - that was where I needed to be. A lot of that was motivated by negative feelings; a mix of anxiety and depression that was being catalyzed by bottled up shame (which is what came out later in the day). But it also felt very deep. As if I was directly facing these feelings in a way I don't usually do. As if I was really taking them seriously, rather than looking them as mysterious speed bumps on my smoothly paved schedule. It was frightening and disturbing to swim in these particular feelings (which were ultimately doubts about myself), but also very hopeful for me - it let me know I can go a little bit deeper into these things. What makes it less frightening? Talking about it with someone close.

Easy, cheesy, sentimental advice, but true.

I continue to work. But can't I put more of a focus on this stuff? Prioritize the emotional growth above everything else? It's more than a good investment of energy - It's what all this work is for; for understanding myself.