18 October 2009 - What Makes Writing Free?

The light on the wall
Either comes from the sun
Or from nothing at all.

I must report that I've lapsed a bit this week. On Thursday I did not manage to sit down and write at all. There was essentially a single thirty minute period in which I could have sat down, but I did not use it. I was aware that I might use that time for writing, but I chose to relax instead. I had a long day. I woke up a bit earlier than normal, and I ended up working for almost 10 hours. I'm not listing these circumstances in order to blame them. I only want to observe that I was probably setting myself up to being susceptible to a "tired" mindset, believing that I deserved a break. Though these thoughts didn't necessarily cross my mind in so many words.

I didn't write yesterday, either. Again, I could have written, but I didn't. In fact, after lounging around in the morning, I ended up rushing and skipping a lot of other things I needed to do, also, in order to make it to Albuquerque to go to a dance workshop I had promised Alexa I would go to. And this is also not an excuse: I don't think I've written a single line on Saturday since I've started this practice.

And to top it all off, I am writing this entry on Sunday instead of Friday. But I have been thinking that Friday is perhaps not the best time to schedule writing for my blog, as I will not always have the day off, which has been the case for the past few weeks, but not this past Friday.

So, back to the drawing board on that. Sunday makes much more sense. So Sunday it is. Will Tuesday work from now on? I would like to space my blogging times out a bit more. Wednesday or Thursday would seem to make sense. I will shoot for Wednesday, see how that works.

So why am I lapsing?

Suzuki Roshi, in Zen Mind Beginner's Mind, suggests to zazen practitioners that if zazen is becoming a struggle, is feeling like a chore, it means you are projecting too much onto it. It means you are looking for things that it cannot give you and feeling disappointed.

I believe I am doing this with my writing practice. I am relying too much on results. In my last post, I explained how much I had accomplished with it. Maybe this set up an expectation that was not really grounded in the effort, in the joy of writing in itself. Maybe I was then looking to my writing as a way to feel good. I can't say exactly, but it seems likely, and I had better observe myself carefully.

There is also the matter of how I am writing. I am learning that there is no such thing as spontaneous, free writing. Stream of consciousness writing, the spontaneous chatter I wrote about earlier, can only result from a deliberate effort. I am a complicated being with a potential to act in many different ways. Not shaping my phrases or adhering to grammar is one out of many possibilities. By selecting that particular writing mode, I am shutting out others. Of course, to shut out the many by choosing one thing is unavoidable. Freedom is not somehow delving into every method at once; that would be impossible. Freedom in writing is using whatever method is most appropriate in the present moment of writing. How is that achieved? By not maintaining a division between my self and the act of writing.

So by choosing spontaneous chatter, or at least by maintaining the belief that I should always try to use spontaneous chatter, I am trying to control my writing. This is fine. It's not a waste of time. But it's not free.

I think my bias towards chatter comes from my old practice of "Morning Pages," an exercise recommended by Julia Cameron in The Artist's Way. It is similar to my Natalie Goldberg-inspired present practice, but not identical. The intentions are different, and I need to keep that in mind. Cameron's practice was more about releasing unconscious material, giving yourself a break from judgment and censorship and allowing creative material to emerge.

Again, this is similar to my present practice. But if I think about it, my goal is a little different. In Cameron's practice, writing is a means to an end. I am trying now to understand writing for the sake of writing. Of course I could benefit from the practice of not judging, of not censoring, but that is not my current goal.

I think, ultimately, the two practices could merge, and there does not need to be much of a distinction between them, but for the time being I am going to say that it is not necessarily my goal to break down barriers and suspend judgment.

I want to write for the sake of writing, and that alone.

Before I sign off, I also want to note that incorporating my writing practice into the rest of my life is another thing to pay attention to. But I don't have time for that. I need to go write.