13 October 2009 - Wholeness & Enthusiasm

Facing the wind
Losing its leaves
A tree drinks a few drops.

Note: writing on the computer is going to be a little awkward from now on. I have lost the use of my "R" key. I have handed over all the "R" producing responsibilities to my Caps lock. Most awkward aspect: hitting "A" when I mean to hit "R," and vice versa.

Writing continues. Of course it still does not have the same weight in my mind as the Zazen. I find myself putting my writing time off every now and then, waiting until the last moment. Of course, there's nothing really wrong with that. Ideally I like to get things done in the morning, but I tend to be a little more open, a little freer in the evenings. So I'm not going to enforce any schedules at this point. If I do force myself to sit down, it's because I've decided I won't have any other time to reliably get it done.

Wholeness. I mentioned it in the last posting. It's always there, but so elusive. My mind wants so much to fragment itself. It especially loves to find faults and problems. As if it would be the most terrifying thing to discover that I have everything I need, and everything is in working order. But so it discriminates. I think to fight that with more judgment would be missing the point.

And as a matter of fact I do feel like I reached a place of wholeness yesterday. What was it like? Rather than trying to fill up space, or to tackle a problem, I allowed a certain rhythm to take over. It's most striking characteristic was that I found it infinitely fascinating. I almost couldn't stop. I went considerably over my 30 minute limit, in fact. What was this "rhythm"?

It goes on for pages, and I'd like to leave most of it to itself.

But it started with this: Did you ever catch a weasel when he's hallowed in the lane?

I followed that with a rhyming line, in the same meter, and then another one, and another one, for about 2 pages and 15 minutes. It was a poetic frenzy. I repeated myself a lot, but it didn't feel very "stuck," because there was a good sense of flow. I don't feel like I exhausted it, either. I feel like the theme could be taken up again and again, and I would come up with something new every time. Of course, it helps that there are a boatload of words that rhyme with lane.

However I might frame this experience, it was one of the first times I've felt so much energy come out of my writing exercises. I've been given a taste, and I feel eager to continue. It finally seems like there's something down there. I feel like there's something I can actually create. And it is abundantly clear that the reason I got this glimpse is through observing the difference between demanding and ordering content for myself and noticing what demands and what orders arise naturally. This is a practice of acting with my whole self, rather than the segments as mentioned above, and it's why I want to continue with this practice.