9 October 2009 - The Kinds of Chatter

I began writing this entry following the plan I had come up with for this blog: I write a paragraph or two about my meditation practice and my writing practice, and then add any extra thoughts afterward. After beginning a discussion of zazen positions, I realized that I was talking too much about something it would be best not to talk all that much about. I'm not saying I'm deciding I can't write anything about zazen, but I feel strongly that I should take extra care in deciding what to write about. I don't want to get in the habit of associating zazen with chatty narratives. I feel that would be more of an obstruction to my practice than a boost.

So I have a new plan. I'll stick with the chatty narratives about writing, as you'll see below. But for zazen I'm just going to write three short lines. I can't say I've invented this entirely on my own: this is essentially how Haiku are translated into English. Article format does not seem to be the proper format for talking about the time I spend attempting to transcend conceptual thought.

In the unlikely occassion that there are questions, or requests to write about a specific topic, I'd be happy to respond.

Here I go. I'm no bassho.

My knee rests on a pillow.
Counting the exhalations.
White plaster, thoughts mixed together.

Writing

I'm timing myself for 30 minutes every day. Most days. I've been missing some weekend days. I write in a college-ruled notebook, following the lines but ignoring all the margins. I want the pages full. I am not allowed to stop the motion of my pen. It's been over a month now, and the notebook is almost full. I'm running low on ink, too. It's a physically demanding exercise, on my body and my resources. Supposedly the muscles of my right hand will be fierce if I keep this up.

I mainly write in what is now the sewing room and guest room. It's the only suitable table in the whole house, actually - the only surface at a decent height that I can sit next to in a chair as at a desk. If it's before dusk I roll the curtain open and write in natural light. If it's too dark, I switch on the light. It's a fluorescent bulb, so it takes a couple minutes to reach its full brightness.

I've tried a couple pens. I think a fountain pen would be best, but I don't have one at the moment. I use Pilot G-2s, my favorite cheap pen, anyway. I have a nice Cross, but the ink is too expensive, and I feel that it bleeds too much for this type of writing. It's got a nice and fluid feel to it, but my letters end up a little pudgy and clumsy. I need trim, crisp lines or my writing is completely illegible. G-2 fits that bill.

When I first began, I wrote a frantic stream of consciousness. It was tiring and dizzying. Sometimes I would get agitated, and often the agitation would turn my letters into monsters, gigantic, fitting on maybe 5 or 6 lines, rolling up and down the page like in a Japanese horror movie. Usually the mutant energy would run itself out and fit inside the lines again. Eventually I began writing more coherent thoughts, here and there. It comes in waves. I will write at least some non-grammatical free association every day.

In fact, I feel a definite push-pull between my spontaneous chatter and my ordered chatter. The spontanous chatter is writing without thinking, whatever happens to either pop into my head, or what flows out of my pen when my head happens to be empty of verbal ideas. A lot of it ends up as word association. I end up rhyming a lot, apparently. Occasionally there is a lot of repitition. I'll write a word or a phrase over and over again for a few seconds. Sometimes I write complete nonsense, often beginning with a real word and then tacking on endings, like cancerous Latin conjugations, until it has lost all meaning. Taxationilizificatorumorianononionus. Why? It's actually kind of fun. Try it. And remember: I can't stop writing during this exercise.

I will sometimes write in other languages scripts, but I draw the line at actually drawing symbols or doodles that are neither verbal or numerical.

By ordered chatter I mean writing down the chain of thoughts I have. This type of writing is more about my thinking self, my personality. Where the spontaneous chatter is whatever pops into my head in an immediate, right-brain way, ordered chatter is what my left brain comes up. It's whatever thougth pops into my head: things I need to do, memories, complaints, issues. Eventually it almost always ends up being an attempt to tackle a problem, somewhat like a discussion with a therapist, but not always so. Sometimes I just plan what I'm going to do when I'm done writing. Sometimes I think about what I had for lunch that day.

At first I looked at the ordered chatter as an evolution out of the spontaneous chatter. I look at it more as a counterpart. Of course the ordered sentences and complete thoughts of the ordered chatter are more understandable to others, and to my future selves who might reread the notebooks. But they are just as aimless, just as much an indication of a disconnect between left and right brain. My goal is to touch the whole.

But more on that next posting.