Schedules, Time, Etc.

I find myself weighed down by the limitations of time and space. Part of the reason I have been thinking about these daily schedules is that I feel so pressed for time these days. In fact, I often get downright resentful of all of the things I have to do, even stuff I love doing, just because none of it seems to quite fit together properly. This feeling of being stressed, of not doing what I want to do, makes me susceptible to feeling like I want to throw it all aside, which eats up more time. A classic vicious cycle.

In three of the 4 schedules I posted, I was not working full time. However, in one, I was. Not only that, but I was engaging in regular activities outside of work, similar to now. Why did I feel more settled in my life then?

Here's something big: I didn't have internet in my apartment. Is that something I can handle today?

The other thing is that I didn't really care about as much stuff as I do now. I did not have endless lists of tasks tugging me in every direction. I didn't care about getting my finances perfectly in order. I had vague notions that I could be a better renter, a better car owner, that I might be happier putting together a garden and learning Japanese, but I didn't care as much. I was somewhat more invested in what I was doing at the time. Not that this was some idyllic state of grace - I was essentially the same person 4 years ago that I am now - but the world I created for myself was just a little different. For example, I spent much more time on the weekends to take long walks and think about my life - and this difference is worth noting.

Today, I am feeling much more like I need to relax than that I need to grow. The drive is still there, but it does not grip me as much.

This is a tendency I've had my whole life - this is nothing new. In fact, it's quite an interesting development to note that this state of feeling, this general mood and tendency to want to relax and not do anything seems to stand out more as I try to do more. It makes perfect sense. It's a "problem" now because I'm not swimming in it as much; it's not normal. This is a good way to be, since I am now more conscious of it. Bad, because, as yet, my relationship to this feeling is one of difference, estrangement, fear, frustration, animosity.

I know that this will only be a stage in a process - I will move on to other things.

This will be all for now, as I need to get going. But I'm positive I'll be coming back to this thread next time I write.

Great day, all.