I Feel Detached and Insightful Tonight

It's late, I got little sleep last night, and I'm not tired.

My hair is the longest it's been in a long time (just over 4 days of growth).

I feel restless and aimless and comfortable. Like I'm a big, aimless cloud just floating around.

I've got all kinds of programming to study and novels to write and sonatas to master. But here I am. Watching videos of the upcoming release of Fez. Reading about Marina Abramovic - looking for youtube videos of "The Artist is Present."

And I'm not distressed about it. Here I am; not doing these things. So what?

I challenge myself: do something different. It's normal for me to distressed. So don't be distressed. And don't be distressed about not being distressed.

I am meeting that challenge.

It's not about my future self, my unbegotten list of accomplishments. It's about just what I'm doing right at this desk, right now. It doesn't matter if my mind is caught in the web of thought - that is now. Telling myself that I can't be present in the moment, because my train of thought is too unwieldy, too addicting, too stubborn - is simply continuing the process of giving it way too much weight and power. To free myself from something I cannot continue to feel victimized by it.

So, I do not know what the future holds, or what I hold inside me, but I am feeling comfortable with myself for the time being.

I know this might seem like the answer to a question that has not been asked, but this is important: I realize that I can feel alive and in my body, no matter what I do. I am often afraid that committing to something, that engaging myself with something will isolate me from a feeling of well being, of security, of safety. It is not true. Maybe others realize what I'm talking about? It's certainly worth writing about in the future. And I'm confident I will.

Dream well, all.