Logging, Once Again

I'm putting a lot of energy into my journal comics. I've written over half a dozen; a full page consisting of twelve panels. The art is too miserable to display at this point; if I practice and work at them, eventually they might start showing up here. Or I might decide to do something more modest than a strip a day. Maybe a panel a day? That would be doable.

A scattered day. Two particularly well-crafted job applications; some JavaScript study. A fantastic re-entry to my Python course. I should be finished with my current text book in a week or so. Good accordion study. A nice run. That is most of what I did today.

I've been thinking of Penelope. I know for a fact she would be interested in getting back together. I'm torn. There is a part of me that wants to rush back; another part of me wants to cook a bit longer. However, if I'm going to be cooking a bit longer, I really need to cook.

By cook I mean: sit with my anxiety, my longing, my negative feelings, without turning them into a fix that needs to be satisfied. Let all the emotion percolate and steam and ferment for a nice, long time before going out there again and opening up.

I have much to learn about loving myself before I can really enjoy a relationship with someone else.

Knowing about Penelope's protracted passion for me is very attractive; one likes to be loved like that. The more important question is: how do I feel about her?

I do not know. My attitude towards women and relationships with them is too distorted by habit and prejudice (about who I am and what I want and who others are) for me to see the thing clearly.

So how do I see the thing clearly - the thing being love, connection, relationship - what I want from it?

Something to continue thinking about.

Good night, all.