Nothing too crazy, tonight. It's not ridiculously late, like the past couple nights, but I still would like to keep this short so I can get to bed - before 10, if possible. It would be the first Thursday in a long time where I went to bed at a reasonable hour.
I've got some work cut out for me - I still feel like I need to plan a little more for Iceland. At least get a better idea of where to go. I think I'm pretty certain I'm going to hang out in REK for a few days, then hitchhike along the Hringvegur north toward Akureyri, then camp out around Myvatn for a couple days before heading back. I think I might go all the way around, just for circularity's sake. In that case, I have a place to stay in Egillstadir. What would make sense is if I then stayed with Unnur in Eyarbakki, just south of REK, before heading out again. We shall see.
I think my next course of action is clear: send a couple couchsurfing requests for Northern cities and southern cities. Blonduos, Akureyri, and then seek out a couple to the south (I haven't researched the south very much). Contact Unnur with my plans, see what she says. I'd also like to try Gummi, Runa's brother, see what he offers. I think there are maybe 3 people in couchsurfing to write; that gives me 5 messages to do. I should do them tomorrow. What time? [I'm clearly just thinking with my fingers, here]. Not sure. I'll find something. Late at night, I guess, though that's always a bad idea. But I must do it all tomorrow, otherwise I will not feel at rest.
There is plenty going on emotionally. I told Sarah I was falling for her fast. I used those words; for once I'm not paraphrasing. She says she does not feel the same way. I know I am frustrated by that; it's especially dumb, because we went over this basically before. But I managed to get confused again along the way. I still feel it's mixed signals. I need to stop wanting to add to that "Maybe I'm wrong." I'm right. It's mixed signals. But mixed signals does not have to be a disaster; it just means we need to talk about things, sort them out, set some boundaries. It will be fine.
Of course, remembering that it will be fine is not really the support I need: I need to fully process what I am feeling. I feel a lot of grief and anger, that Sarah is not interested in a relationship. It's difficult to talk about this without being bitter. I want to come up with a thousand reasons that would explain it away, but there is no simple explanation. I do, however, feel that there is something unique in our interactions that has never been there before, when someone was not interested in me. This makes me feel that there is something fishy going on. It's not me or her alone; it's both of us. We're both putting up a block. I swear, it's not that there's nothing there. It would be very good for me to understand how I contribute to this block. Really important.
And about Any - well, shit, it's 10 o'clock now. I'm going to write her a quick e-mail, and hopefully we can meet this weekend. I'm not angry anymore, but, as above, there are a few things I'd like to talk about. I need to think these things through more; I haven't pinpointed exactly what I want to say, but a friendly message will suffice for now.
Ok, to work on that.
Good night.
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I want to say something terrible about a certain woman but won't because this is your space and it's a pleasure to honor it. But I will say that. And this: you're infinitely lovable, handsome, fun.
ReplyDeleteIf you need to take care of business during the perfect time that's the afternoon, do. Or you could do it on your computer at a table with me while we have a slow lunch.